21 July, Wednesday
Today's Wednesday, and tomorrow will be Thursday.
Learning another language is tough; you have to remember the different conventions of each language, and you constantly confuse them. For example, the first letters of dates are NOT capitaled in french, because there are so many of them and each one is different (hence it doesn't deserve proper noun status?).
Anyway, I just realised tomorrow is debate. I really don't want to go for debate...but I WILL. I will, it won't kill me. I don't run away from most things anyway. I used the word 'most' because, although I can't think of exceptions right now, I don't want to drive myself into another tight corner from which I'll have to extricate myself in the complicated future. This was so unnecessarily lengthy, but pedants roam the web. :)
As I was saying, I do remember experiences similar to debate meetings. I THINK they include IRS sessions last year, but that turned out okay in the end, possibly because of Japan, which caused me to completely forget how the meetings were like. That's one of the redeeming things about life - believe it or not, the uncomfortable and unhappy things do dull or fade away in your memory, but the beautiful experiences live on.
Moving on... oh I've decided to skip this. It is rather unreasonable, and it reflects badly on me (but when has that stopped me). More and more, I think the pace of life here really is turbo. One week passes SO quickly and before I know it, the whole cycle of activities repeat themselves, in the same monotonous pattern (and don't tell me there are breaks and changes because those are minor. Vraiment.) Do I get the time to breath? I don't even have breath enough to gasp a resounding 'No'.
You know this is about my time management, or lack thereof. Hey, it's always been bad. Don't you think the majority of the world's population lacks discipline? SO it's not my fault. I've been using this phrase a lot (OHNOOHNOOHNO).
I don't actually feel like blog. I will leave off blogs and blogging from now. Don't come back.
Goodbye. And I'm not sorry for the abrupt ending.
Oh, and I know I've been very uninteresting lately; I blame it on a lot of things, especially my disinterest in blogging.
LASTLY people should REALLY make sure they have decent and easily identifiable usernames??? It is so hard to pick out your nondescript and run-of-the-mill nick from a LONG list of people-who-are-online. I get so impatient when I'm in a hurry that I just feel the urge to block you and be done with it. That wouldn't solve the problem, but it sure would be a nice channel for my pent-up frustration. WHY do people persist in OH WHATEVER. I know I sound like a self-absorbed big-headed prat here. Je suis fâchée. Adieu.
21 July, Wednesday
19 July, Monday
I know...I know.
What am I doing here? I promise that I'll be going in a minute, just that ... oh whatever.
Forget I said anything Xb. *what a stupid blog entry, that was directed at myself, as usual. I can't stand it when people start thinking that I'm writing to them when I don't specifically say so.*
17 Sat, July
But my french friend is very nice. :)
Hello. I am blogging to tell you how I am. Itchy.
Stupid hives.
I can't wait to see all of you. I mean precisely that. I CAN'T WAIT FOR SCHOOL. I knoww.
You see, with my french correspondent here now, the weekends are more hectic than idyllic (not that I DON'T enjoy walking around, I do, except HOMEWORK and OTHER STUFF -argh- I have never been so concerned with my schoolwork.) and in a way I'm on my toes all the time. I even feel safer when I'm in class, because that's ROUTINE and you know, you only have to bother about yourself *this sounded wrong* Goodness!
I was meaning to blog nicely, but I am EXHAUSTED and I still need to stay up VERY late to do homework. I know. Poor me.
Not to mention how I keep on sneezing. Okay I just feel weak and very stressed.
Going to do homework now. See you.
Although there are more communication problems than I foresaw.
July 10, Saturday
I shouldn't be blogging. But there you are.
I should be at lj by now. But I'm not. And you know why? Because I am css-illiterate. No, because I just can't troubleshoot. Something is wrong with the layout thingy; I just don't know what.
And all the unorganised comments under the second entry buggg me.
I am adding to pitas when I am going to abandon it eventually. Is this logical? It's like hoarding food for a nuclear winter (one that you're not going to survive < I had to add this because I have no faith in your intellect. Sorry, Tact is on a temperory holiday. It likes to do that when I'm mad. Oops, I just gave my mood away. And I'm sure you couldn't even TELL it. Weird huh. You can tell when I'm happy but it's hard to tell I'm mad. < I can think of A LOT of responses to this. I don't even know what yours are.)
I want to make a statement, but that would be admitting that something got to me, so I won't.
I think pride is a VERY interesting thing. It is what MOST embarrasses a person. Isn't that a beautiful irony?
Anyway, Ms Tan has confirmed that she is going to give us a test. I am not appreciative at all. I don't want to have to go and revise mole concept. (I have an urge to put 'whines' in asterisks here but you know, it's time I halted my reverse-maturation process. I'm sorry, I'm too annoyed to be witty and polished. I refer to the previous previous clause. Whatever.)
Yes, I don't want to revise mole concept. Ack. But my whole class will. What is this, the kiasu syndrome? (Oh no I'm using singlish. But scientifically. So it's not ME actually just you know...argh) I thought I was immune to it.
I now feel plinked. I REALLY want to bash certain people on their heads. REALLY. BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH.
I really should un-friend them (yeah, a very easy thing to do. You know, push the big mood-colour button and your friendly neighbourhood un-friender comes in and offers to remove all your knowledge, feelings and memories of this person from your mind and physically pack her off to another continent.) but hey, easier said than done. They make me so mad. But it is not supposed to get to me. But it DOES. Obviously.
I wish I could send them an exploding lemon meringue pie by post to express my EXACT sentiments. Or maybe I should just tell them to get out of my sight everytime I see them. Not that that would inspire the teensiest pin-prick of remorse. Not that I would be able to do that.
But you are not supposed to let this get to you. When was the last time that I said cold and unfeeling was NOT the way to go? I am now deliberately contradicting my optimistic self.
BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH.
Oh, and dear idiot? You won't know who you are.
This has turned, against my better judgements, into a mindless and time-wasting bashing entry. Why stop now?
BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH BASH
Oh, but CERTAIN people to whom I have openly made known my utter dislike and disregard for should not be so presumptious as to assume that I am talking about them. Ewww, if you dare, do it with a handy bucket, because I'll need to puke.
Oh dearrrrr. I am so dreadfully annoyed. I wish my stuff-toy garfield still existed so I could pummel him. Dear garfield; it wasn't my fault you lost your eyes and nose and my mom made me throw you away. I still love you, wherever you are. And I know this doesn't compensate for the fact that you are now incinerated ash but well, it makes me feel better. (I am now trying to hide an evil grin).
I don't want to entertain you any longer. I need to go get some serious and material consolation. Somewhere. I'll try to find it.
5 July, Monday
I have to say one more thing before I go back to my reputed (means so-called here) life.
I will be seriously annoyed if Ms Tan decides to spring a test on mole concept on us since she's supposed to be done with the topic. I think I understand everything, esp since I revised it one month ago (how reliable is that) but my brain is apt to go blank during science tests.
Also, I finally check my inbox (I don't check it often because I only expect bad news and uninteresting stuff) and I realise I have missed art outreach training today. At cairnhill. Argh, this means I won't be able to teach the lovely primacy school kids when the NEXT session FINALLY rolls around. What is my life coming to?
Anyhow, I had better get my act in shape. GOING now. Seriously.
5 July, Monday
You know I had to do maths right? But after poring over it for about 5 minutes I decided to leave it off until my father comes home so he can walk me through it (I am not joking). Hence I'm rather free now. And I need to say stuff.
I must be addicted. But don't worry; it will pass and I'll soon go in a very long stretch of cyber-hibernation.
Anyway, something weird is going on. My audrey hepburn pic has been on for so long already, but I CAN'T bring myself to change it. Everytime I want to switch to kogepan or something my hand is stayed by something in my mind. I am pretty tired of seeing it, yet I can't bear to have another picture because I don't feel like another picture although I wish for another picture as I think I've used this picture for quite long enough and I should give it a holiday.
It seems my audrey pic will be up for a while longer.
I kind of owe my blog two entries - one on writing a novel and the other tribune. The first is too complicated (and dear people, it is NOT cliché and stupid and whatever). The second is merely to say: I have never thought of tribune as a CCA. What we do there is merely mess around with computers and words, almost exactly what I do at home except what I write in Tribune goes into print. Essentially, I do not have a CCA (unless you count Debate which really makes me sick). It's too late to go out and get a CCA now, not that I want to. Trib really rocks, and tribbers too. (mmph).
Last random note. For a time I wanted to add random people to my msn list because I thought I would enjoy their conversation. Not that I have forever to devote to msn conversations. Urgh. So I didn't, and whatever. Yeah that's all.
I need to move on to school stuff - My life doesn't feel empty; it never really does except during the holidays (which is weird because you're not supposed to HAVE to do anything during the hols). However, it can feel pretty meaningless. What am I saying? I still have maths, and hey, if I feel stupid and worthless I can go tackle my portfolio (I don't care about it, really.)
I spend so much time on my blog talking about myself. Correction, I spend okay ALMOST all the time. I would like to pose questions to myself. Why can't I do that in my mind and not down here where everyone can see? Ha. I will do that mentally.
Maybe I should be like sarah and remove my blog. (Who am I kidding?) It's becoming a part of me. I think. Chances are, if I get my dreams fulfilled and get to study abroad or work there, you'll still be able to see what I'm doing through my blog. Xbbb.
I am full of pent up 'undefinable' feeling. Oh I know what to do. Going now.
5 July, Monday
Hello.
According to my schedule (it exists), I am supposed to be doing my maths. However, there are a million things that are miles and miles more preferable, even if they are torturous. [what's maths then? Guess].
Like compiling my mentorship portfolio. No, don't say anything, I will probably NOT send it. Even if I do, I will so tell you. Ahahaha. (my penchant for sarcasm is making me use
It's so hard. Really. I can't think of ANYTHING but myself. It's true. I really mean this. Yes, I know I'm scaring you but I'm being honest.
So if you only think of yourself, your writing gets a bit limited (and everything is likely to be in first-person.) This, and the fact that I don't see the point anyway.
I've always nursed the dream of submitting my blog entries in my portfolio. Like, pick a few especially neurotic ones and put them on word. I wonder if the portofolio-vetters will recognise them as what they really are or look upon them as works of art. Ahaha. It would be oh-so-amusing.
I think. It worries me, you say it worries you. (I keep having to use this, in my mind or somewhere else. It is such a stupid line but well, stupidity sticks - oh and I probably misquoted it.)
So ANYWAY, I hate writing. Lots and lots and lots. The only time I do writing is for school and on my blog. Because for school I don't feel like I have to meet any expectations, and on my blog, there are NONE at all yet I seem to do just fine. But on paper and under the name of 'creative writing' or whatever, I don't know what to expect. And that wouldn't matter if I knew exactly what I liked and thought it rocked (because then I'ld just do it and nevermind what anyone else thinks). However, I don't have an exact style except for blogging. Weehee. Blog entries do not equal portfolio-worthy writing.
But I have to go now. Say something. (Feel free to ignore this, it won't matter).
4 July, Sunday
My nonchalent tone belies the heartache I feel inside.
You know what? I just saved over one morning's worth of work.
Yes, an entire literature review; (2 pages, font size 10) and a very comprehensive one at that.
Perhaps it doesn't pay to be constructive and conscientious.
But don't worry. I am strong. I will survive. I will type it all over again, and restore it to its former glory, if not more.
Nevermind that I have a backlog of homework and cannot afford to waste ANY MORE time.
July 4, Saturday
I hate RP and its stupid structure-bloated curriculum.
Right now, before I do ANYTHING at all related to school I have to go look around and see if there is already a STANDARDISED and IMPOSED rubric for me to fill in.
They have one for almost ANYTHING, from a LETTER to a LITERATURE REVIEW. It is time-consuming and so STUPID when you can simply do it in your own way (which might not necessarily be the best but hey, what's wrong with TRIAL AND ERROR)?
It is so time-consuming to have to hunt for all these pieces of paper (not to mention the trees they're killing). I hate how I have to conform, or risk having to re-do the entire lousy thing because it is unacceptable.
STUPID RP. They think we're puppets, and that set guidelines are what we need to help us improve and grow.
I say here that I'll do it my way and refer as I go along, and I really won't appreciate having to redo it, especially if I think I've done a good job WITHOUT the help of any RP-endorsed materials; thank you very much.
4 July, Saturday
To do list:
1) Treat everyone with respect. They definitely have something to teach you. You are not above anyone else. You think you're smart but really, that means you're not.
2) Do not condemn without thinking. Do not condemn at all, at least not openly. If you think something is completely wrong and downright horrible, simply do not commit it yourself. You may, however, diplomatically comment and criticise.
3) Use un-lofty tones with everyone. Lofty tones are the most disgusting tones ever. It is an instant turn-off.
4) Do not use sarcasm unless in fun (and make sure it's in fun). Almost everyone can hear it in your voice and it is shows that you are belittling them - not a nice thing to do.
5) Be humble. Honestly.
2 July, Friday
Dear People, if you want me to blog more often, you must comment on lj. With your names. Comment, and with your names; not do the latter if you accomplish the former. Xb.
Heh I bet you wish now I had never started the whole comment thing. Just comment...because they are amusing to read. Hey, if I provide you amusement with my blog entries...well the door should swing both ways. Xb. Not that I don't enjoy writing them, but they are sometimes a chore.
I knowwww. I reaaally want to move to lj. But if you noticed, the layout is hopelessly wonky and I don't know how to fix it. I can't blog on a blog-less-than-perfect and besides, I haven't drummed up the energy to open photoshop on the other com and start designing some 100x100 display pics. Not that I don't mind not currently having one, it's just a further absence of any sort of motivation for me to blog on lj. Unless you start commenting like crazy Xb then I'll decide that I should really organise the comments into proper blog entries by blogging there properly.
Okay the focus of this entry wasn't suppose to be about blogging.
I was going to tell you how I get guilty oh-so-easily. I hate guilt. It is now my second most hated feeling right after regret. Guilt is painful and eats away at your heart and you feel this ache and it doesn't even feel nice and it goes away a bit sooner than regret but it visits with its bosom buddies: mortification and embarrassment and oftentimes REGRET as well.
Luckily, I only feel guilty for very good reasons. So if I have broken rules that I thought were stupid to begin with; well I will never feel guilty about that. And you can't make me feel guilty by giving me a lecture. I hardly answer to anyone else but myself.
Argh, but I feel oh-so-guilty now. Guilty guilty guiltt.
I can't believe the ulead trial has only completed 6 percent of its download. I want to finish editing the video by tonight. I want to thank all the people who let me film them. I can't say a lot of things here because it would make those people cringe and regret what they did, when they REALLY shouldn't since it was fighting for what they believed in. Ooops I already said it didn't I?
As for her, I wonder if I can maintain that frosty attitude for as long as it was supposed to be - a lifetime. I mean, I keep thinking about how nice she actually was until the Horrible Revelation. Perhaps she's in essence a good person who made a terrible mistake. See? I believe in second chances. And I LUFF *okay bimbo-speak (I hate using the word bimbo as well. It is so bimbo) but hey I am expressive and vocabulary-deficient* the phrase I found on elspeth's badge (pinned to her pencil case) - the true mark of royalty is mercy. (paraphrased.) I will now refrain from squealing 'THAT'S ME!' because I need to prove that my ego isn't you know, about to explode. So to sum it up, I will try to be nice to her again, just argh I still feel she deserves something for THAT. However, as I am forgiving...I will merely be cordial to her, and I will try not to be formal, and I want to let down my guard but I can't and I feel guilty about it at the same time.
I know I can't hate anyone, although a worse feeling than hate would be not feeling anything. That'll be so cool right? This person spending ALL their time and energy hating another person when the other person doesn't even feel anything, which implies that the former person isn't even important enough to be considered, and possibly falls entirely beneath the radar of the latter person's consciousness. It is a much worser feeling for the former person who is so consumed in passionate hate to know that his hate is unrequited, because when you hate someone, you would like to know there's a reason to do so, and the most decent thing the object of your hate could do would be to hate you back. (Now it's starting to sound like 'love'. No wonder people say love and hate are only a thin line apart). So anyhow, it was based on this line of reasoning that I decided a while (I would like to say a long time but I'm just not that wise) ago that I would never hate anyone, and if I really had to hate someone, I would consolidate my feelings into void, which is so much more worthwhile. Not that you should ever hate someone, if you do, you are probably not living right.
I just thought of so many more situations where hate is right and almost justified. Poetical hate, you have to understand it. In the Courtroom of Art, many of the laws of morality and righteousness and virtue are twisted and bent, and that is because Art seeks to capture the true essence of human nature and behaviour, and perhaps why Art is so much truer a reflection of our race than all the unattainable goals of perfect virtue. This is a philosophical discussion that could go on forever. I love philosophical discussions; sometimes I wish I was in pre-revolution France with a salon of my very own. Or not, I'ld probably prefer to just attend one; so you don't have to bother with the logistics, the hosting and not to mention the culinary excercises.
Oh yay dear Ulead. Congratulations. 14 percent.
I have drifted very far off-topic. What should have come after the decision to be nice to that person...
Why am I obsessing over this? I want to tell you that I don't think the world is perfect. I don't think my life is perfect. I don't think the friends I have are perfect. Sometimes I think all of the above are close to perfect. Sometimes I come close to disliking the above. Oh I don't think I'm perfect. (poetrypoetrypoetry). < you won't get this. My blog is full of subtle references that no one will really grasp. The ones they do are those that I have marked out with a flashing neon sign, loudhailers blaring and attendants in glittery body suits waving large florescent plastic hands. Basically those with my pretty and oh-so-common disclaimers. Anyway, this is not your fault at all, simply because most of the references are to myself. Completely so. I know I am an open person (now I feel the need to put question marks here> ???) and I say a lot of stuff on my blog, but there has also been a lot that has been dubbed out. Much of which I've forgotten. Tragedy.
Oh dear. I really must go now...I wanted to see something else on my blog other than the previous entry. Xb. Please comment at lj. With your name. Hey my entries are so darn long you surely will find SOMETHING to say right? Since I've said SO MUCH to you (and myself). Do me the favour. Xb
29 June, Tuesday
OMG I am blogging compulsively.
OMG 'omg' is such a brainless phrase to use.
The real point of my entry...
I wasn't as FURIOUS as I was two blocks ago. This person is VERY very lucky, because I won't tear her from limb to limb (not that I was planning to in the first place; I don't believe in violence).
She is SO sad. She is SO influenced and flattered by certain presences she is unable to keep her trap shut and she will spill anything and everything (unless obviously it never occured to her that that was wrong but ignorance isn't an excuse and HOW can you not know? Plus whatever she said WASN'T the truth.)
Poor brainless mindless spindless boneless person. Weak-willed, weak-minded...urgh I didn't think it fair to turn on the artic attitude with her without mentioning it here first (kind of like declaring war) but I doubt she reads my blog anyway, so she won't know. And she definitely won't know it's her.
She is SO sad. I don't care, I will never see her in the same way again. And if she was captured by the enemy during a war, I bet she would betray her friends before they even laid a hand on her or opened their mouths to pose questions.
Loser. I blame you.
And I have nothing else to say. Perhaps in the future, by some sheeeer miracle you will convince me that you aren't a wimp. Eww, but don't worry. No one else knows who you are.
28 June, Monday
Catch you all later.
Just to note down a philosophical note Xb:
Question:
Will history remember you as one who tried and failed, or one who tried...and tried...and tried...and succeeded?
28 June, Monday
It is 6.53 and I am one of the three people in my classroom. I wanted to start the entry with 'lalala'. I didn't. I want to use words like 'plisss, and beeeg' (onomatapeaic variations of normally mundane words) but I'm afraid you'll upchuck.
I am now unused to the silence of the classroom every morning. I give a feeble hi everytime the door is opened, but it feels 'extra'. Especially when you don't get a response. -_-. I sort of gave 'hi's to all my CAP group members everytime we met for breakfast. I was almost always the first one in the cafeteria, because I wake up at unearthly hours (namely before six) and spend the rest of the time wandering Eusoff Hall.
So I'm back in RGS after a long and much-welcomed break. Part of me wants to run away screaming and the other part is resigned to my fate. I glance around my classroom, *a very cold and frigid space that is without atmosphere (and I am not talking about the weather)*. However, a little insight into how I handle things I really hate, or dislike. I go through it like I do a challenge, armed with the mantra 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger' (one of my favourites). You hold your head high and brace yourself and brace yourself and bear it and bear it and bear it. I won't name the places where I use this. Challenge isn't as good a motivator as good old passion, but it's probably the next best thing.
Sometimes I dislike mornings in my cold frigid classroom because there's no one I can really talk to this early. They all arrive late (unless there is homework they have to finish).
I have been blogging (hyeh. if you haven't noticed, this entry was focused on SCHOOL and how COLD and FRIGID my classroom is. This is the first bit of randomness) every day since I came back from CAP. Think of it as my way of making up for my absence. Note that I am not doing this because my life has no better purpose...
Sometimes I feel horribly small, useless and insignificant.
Don't you always? The feeling passes.
I won't go into optimism here. I feel that it is time I spent some time with my classmates as it's almost been a month since we saw each other. I don't want to alienate myself. Xbbb
OHHH I have to talk about what I found on my desk. I not-so-neatly arranged pile of worksheets and two Reese's peanut butter cups (which made up for the worksheets). YAY um, my class Xb.
27 June, Saturday
I was going to compile a list of the most embarrassing nicknames I could possible have on MSN, then realised it would give my cousins ideas. No, I still haven't changed my password. I plead indolence and blind, unjustified and already rebuffed faith.
But an example, because I don't want to forget it, especially since NO I won't ever be compiling the list. I actually hate compiling lists, I mean, personal ones. Lists like *my favorite things* ETC. In pri six when we were filling in autograph books everyone kept listing their likes and dislikes. It was such a chore. I think I didn't bother for all my entries. Instead I wrote something else along the lines of: If you know me you will know these. If you're wondering why, it's just because these lists are never very comprehensive and such topics are inexhaustive.
Back to where I was...oh yeah. One most embarrassing nick: wanjie [french word]* some day my prince will come. Not only is that disgustingly sentimental, it is unrealistic, soppy, pathetic, sexist...just disgusting disgusting disgusting disgusting. And three parts of its disgusting quality is the fact that everyone's reaction to it would be: ERM. *insert your reaction which I know is typical and therefore do not have to describe*. I think everyone else, not only me, is throbbing with horror. I completely agree. This is a sly poke (not so sly since I have to point it out) at people who have similar but toned-down nicks. Actually not really. Ignore me and please don't be offended. I am actually pretty bigoted.
Now that that randomness is over with, I was going to say that I am also blogging because I am tired of being a conscientious person, of getting my homework and schoolbag ready for the grindstone tomorrow.
By the way, I am beginning to scare myself. My standards are dropping by the day, this applies to everything from academia to blog entries. Nat has even said my entries have RANDOMNESS. That is truly scary, because it means you are slapdash and you don't have an actual direction when you blog. I have to have a proper point for all entries from now onwards. Unless it's some philosophical comment or interesting idea, I WILL not blog. I even have to have a NEW angle if I want to complain about my daily life and the epitome of all things mundane: School. (What happened to creative learning and a living classroom and other inspiration euphemisms for a much abused term of education?)
Yes, as I said, my standards have been dropping. I have to haul them up or risk going beyond the point of no return. Something I really really really fear. I pretty much rely on myself for some things. I'm sorry, I can never see myself actually asking my friends for real, substantial tuition should I be in a desperate state for schoolwork.
It is ironic that I am talking about raising my standards when just a short while ago I was trying to drop them in an effort to hang on to my sanity. Halp. I am having serious problems with running my life.
It is all the fault of air-j-s. J'ai horreur de la. (If this is ungrammatical, resident french whizzes post at lj *I KNOW you know where it is* or I will dismember you. I am currently violent* Sorry, You know I won't carry out the threat *OBVIOUSLY*. Just do it if it is, thanks).
I hate being violent. There is never a cause for violence. Attn: terrorists. *hahaha. yeah right they read my blog. sorry, am sane now* Everything can be solved by words and talks and negotiation and diplomacy alone. Riiighhhtt. Can of worms. Moving on.
I was going to say that...*you know I'm really good at wasting time*...I forgot what I was going to say. PAUSE. Oh it probably wasn't very important anyway.
I remember. I hate being sneaky. I can't stand sneaks. In my opinion, everything should be done openly, honourably, daringly, and you should ALWAYS be able to face the consequences of your actions. Like a gryffindor. Except I have to concede that you REALLY lose out by not being sneaky. You do, because you are unwilling to stab others in the back; you must face them in a proper duel. You will not plot against others without sufficient reason. But then I don't suppose you would instigate conflicts. In short, you are also fair, just and honest. I am not saying I am the above. I might be hypocritical right now, although I personally don't think so. (You might think differently). I'm just saying that I REALLY don't approve of sneakiness and you shouldn't be a sneak.
That is one of the few (?) things that really make me very angry and outraged and a breach of trust is something I take very very very seriously. I think I was grazing this topic eons ago when I must have mentioned that once someone breaks my trust, it's hard to trust him/her again.
I have to go now. I realised that the sky is falling. I was going to add a prefix - homework before sky. But it's a weird form of expression and you MUST have known that (that it was homework sky, not my latter comment).
P.S. Did you notice I use both british and american spelling in my entries? I prefer the former, but sometimes it's weird. Will make an effort to standardise from now, along with having a decent point and not go rambling on.
P.P.S. If you like my rambling (Xbbbbb) and don't want to see them go, post at lj. Xbbbbb. Xbbb.
26 June, Saturday
-_-. I am so plinked. Not so. Totally. Absolutely.
I found out something that plinked me. Urgh.
-_-
Oh well, it doesn't matter. Not a LOT.
On another note, one messy thing about exchanging contact details after camps is sorting out your messenger list afterwards. I didn't mind it for Japan. I should grit my teeth and do it now. -_-. I am still plinked about that plinky thing.
26 June, Saturday
Hiya people! I am back, (freshened by a bath) and ready to tell you all about Creative Arts Seminar 2004.
Hyeh hyeh hyeh (my lame and embarrassing version of evil laughter, which I only use with my sister *and here, apparantly* because it's too lame and embarrassing for any other situation). I very responsibly finished 98% of my homework before going off so now I, unlike a gazillion other peope, am blissfully blogging instead of trying to figure out assignment instructions.
Not that blogging is fun and easy. It is actually really difficult and time consuming. You can spend more than half an hour on an entry (just so you know).
I glanced back up and was shocked to find that I was using brackets instead of asterisks. Hurriedly changed a couple before I become more than the grammar prude that I already am. *Actually, I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm typing this on WordPad because my internet connection is once again, on a holiday.*
Right. So anyway, I was going to say that it is probably impossible for me to describe my CAP experience with the same emotion that Amanda did with hers last year. *I'm am supposed to be an emotional vortex, remember?*
I'm not going to try either, I'm just going to do this naturally. And for a change, I'll let you think of me and my stint in CAP by telling you all about the interesting people I met.
Because CAP is supposed to be interesting people haven.
Because meeting interesting people is one of my favourite pasttimes.
So here goes, basically those in my orientation group and my performing arts group, and perhaps a potpourri of others if I feel I have the energy and interest.
Note: I know some of my CAP friends will see this. It is actually rather embarrassing, because I don't actually talk about other people on my blog. Still, it's an experiment and an indirect way of describing my CAP experience.
Gibraltar
Rebecca: Unfailingly kind, unendingly tactful and always thinking positively. And unlike most people possessed of saccharine dispositions, she doesn't annoy me. Maybe because she's also reaaaallly sincere. She will listen to you, take an interest in whatever you're saying and have an opinion on it. Except I wouldn't really ever tell her about negative stuff because it seems a shame to trouble someone who's so purely out of utopia. Almost. Kinda like Xin Hui, except Xin Hui frowns sometimes. Xbbbbbb (okay, but hey five days is a short time). I took a photo with her before after the closing cerm., and when I was in my mom's car I actually saw her crossing the road. So I waved and she waved back, much to my amazement. So she's observant too. If someone waved at me from behind a tinted car window, I would NOT see the movement. I would be too busy concentrating on jaywalking.
Jian Yang: My Junior! I never really paid attention to my juniors in pri school, but when I got to CAP they were all over the place, and actually very spunky Xb. Anyhow, he first interested me because well, he has a drugged/comatose look. This description is courtesy of my group members. I don't really think so. I talked to him and it turned out that he didn't really like to talk to people because he finds their conversation inane etc. and ridiculous. So then I was excited because he's like ME. Not really, sort of. You won't get me, so it's okay nevermind. It was fun convincing him that friends were important, something that I've only come to believe in the past two and half years. He's on his way there. Xb. He's actually really nice. Oh, and he likes gaming (dear cousins, his results are also not REALLY good). Which I think is a contradiction to his dislike for inanity, but whatever.
I'm starting to feel sleepy. I wonder if I'm boring you. I actually *might* be. I shall make the descriptions shorter.
Alison: One member of the bridge club that lasted one and a half days. I KNOW she knows my cousin. Don't worry cousin, I didn't expose you to any of the Dunman high people I met. Okay, maybe one, I can't really remember. -_-UUU. You are neurotic about these things. I haven't a clue why. Don't kill me. ANYWAY, she is basically outgoing.
Rachel: Another Junior. Debater. Nice, and can be slightly crazy, along with Alison. They like to laugh loudly. Oh, bridge club member two. Proud Owner (okay not really, since she doesn't know about it) of quote that has made its way onto my list of Interesting Things People Have Said About/To You That You Indubitably Will Remember If You Don't Remember Anything Else. I won't tell you the quote. The list itself is rather embarrassing. Just because you remember stuff doesn't mean that the stuff is always complimentary. Though it often is.
Bianca: NJC! So I had fun relating to her the various people I knew in the NJC population, and she's also in art and occupies the room across mine, so we see each other quite often. Bridge club member three.
Teck Tee: Co-emcee. Which is what he calls me now. Um, most interesting about him, is sadly, that he actually listens to Okinawan pop. So, S and A, he knows about BEGIN and Shimanchu nu Takara and the husband and wife duo (where the wife has a hauntingly beautiful voice). I terminated that conversation rather quickly though, because I don't know anything beyond that. Likes to play bridge. Bridge club member four. Alison says he looks like a walrus. I won't say anything. (If you haven't noticed, I don't like to call people names. Unless it's affectionate, and even then, not really that. Reasons for this: Plenty)
Jason: From Swiss Cottage. So he knows my ex-french-partner who I used to whinge on about. Xb. S and A, he is kind of like Dexian, except he doesn't plink me off as much. (They have the same way of speaking). Haha okay whatever. I mean, I would never tell him that he is like a girl. Plays MANY (understatement, but I can't say gazillion either) chinese instruments, even the san-shin, which it turns out, is also in the chinese orchestra. He's going to be a musician. We have (amazing coincidence) the same guzheng teacher, although he has to learn at NYAFA now (which has worse teachers). Like I do with all people I meet who know how to play the guzheng, I asked to look at his fingers. Okay actually he showed me himself. But anyway, they were incredibly long and slim, like pianist fingers. Which was baffling because he doesn't play the piano. Erk. I'm still paranoid about guzheng practice though.
Kerry: She is from an english-speaking family but she doesn't look it at all. Apparantly she is in her school because of a mistake and she sort of regrets picking it. Anyway, she's actually quite nice, but she's defensive about academics. Which I would be, if I were in her positions. She takes German. She kind of hangs around Jason, so much so that Teck Tee asked Jason when he was going to propose. ^^U. That kind of made it uncomfortable for me to talk to Jason for a while, but the feeling passed.
I am being incredibly honest here. Xb. You guys should be grateful. It won't happen often. Yeah right. I am a open person.
BRYAN: I put his name in caps because he would like that. He bears a slight resemblance to my YOUNGER cousin. He likes guns, weapons and violence of any kind and he is obsessed with the matrix. Quote from councillor Rachel (other Rachel): He thinks he's James Bond. All of this is reflected in the short film his group made. He speaks in a VERY obvious american accent. I think I was kind of mean to him, because I openly thought he was a poseur. Xb. Which actually you know, he isn't. I think he really believes all his theories about government spies etc. etc. He says he has a crazy side and a serious side. In my opinion, the two are not often very easy to differentiate. We had a mini political debate, which (I DIDN'T start) was actually screwed, since both of us, (or perhaps it's just me) weren't entirely knowledgeable in the subject. I'm sorry, I don't read political journals and Tom Clancy thrillers. He is anti-democracy, VERY leftist and liberal and anti-dictatorship I think. It's pretty confusing. He showed me a political news clipping. Who brings such things to CAP? Also, who brings a fan? The standing kind. The boxy kind that comes up to your knees. Yeah.
Joel: Like Teck Tee, also from JC. He likes flouting rules, but miraculously NEVER gets caught. I'm annoyed, and jealous. (Okay I'm not very good at breaking rules, unless insulted. Something deep in me rebels against it). What he did with CAP (paraphrased): Formed a Fruit and Vegetable cult, wrote poems about bearded pigs...and made a corny film. What he didn't do: Study for JC mid-terms. Overall a really funny guy, and one who likes to eat a lot I think. I didn't get a lot of the JC people's e-mail addys. I think because, when my book got to him, we were moving to the bus, and he asked whose it was. I mistakenly thought everyone had finished writing and when I went to get my book, it was so not turned to the contact list page. I don't like people looking at my doodles. Especially since they're ugly and in pen (I couldn't find a decent 0.5 pencil to bring). So I snatched it from him and ignored his chagrined expression. I'm good at creating misunderstandings. And this is my interpretation of events. Actually the second. The first is above.
Chying: I don't really know much about her. Actually I don't know much about anyone from this point on. She's also from HCJC, and she is more personable than the other two JC girls in my group.
Sharleen: ACJC. She is a clique-ish person. This is someone's quote.
I am going to skip over the rest in my group. I'm not sure about their names and I have nothing much to say about them anyway. I want to do ART before you and I both fall asleep.
Art!
Art is filled with funky people. We can totally double up as BOTH the ART group AND the CHOIR group. Also the BANANA group. When walking back at eleven from UCC on friday night, our coucillor Claire (a very nice and Rebecca-ish person) commented aptly that we were the only group that had enough energy left to belt out songs at the top our lungs. I think this must also be due to the fact that doing ART does not involved strenuous exercise and vigorous rehearsals.
Actually, the singing and all that is all the fault of this guy called Shaun, Sec Three, CHS. (I'm guessing all of this. I am NOT sure). He is understandably intrigued by the rather creative songs performed by the Fruit and Vegetable Cult at CAP dinner. These songs are fraught with innuendos. Prior to all this, he found innuendos in almost everything said in the ART room. Well, stuff said loud enough to be heard by everyone. When he starts singing, the three indian guys in the group and other random boys are inclined to join in. Except for three I think. One walks very fast, slightly behind the councillor. Presumably to escape all the aural garbage.
There's a Sec 2 pair: a guy and a girl in my (you know what? I am not mentioning names for everyone anymore, because I can't remember all of them and you won't bother anyway) group and they also enjoy singing. Except more nicely. They either sing together or pick duets like Amigos Para Siempre and a Whole New World. They work out coordination and harmony. They have similar voices. (S and A, the guy also sings and speaks like Dexian. He also has an accent. He knows a bit of french, which he had to learn in america, and he speaks that bit at torpedo-speed. Argh).
There's another girl (DUNMAN HIGH SEC 3 GEP) who also likes to sing, esp LOTR songs. Like Pippin's in ROTK. She's probably a LOTR fan. Attn: Twins. She is one of the few in my group who can really draw. Okay, actually everyone in my group can draw quite well, and SURPRISE, some of the best drawers are males. I am understandably amazed. Okay not really. Anyhow, she likes to do ink designs. It's her rather distinctive style. There's also another girl who likes to use ink, but they're different. She's also pretty spontaeneous. During CAP photo-taking she was all for doing a bimbo wave. I'm sorry, I couldn't acquiesce to her pleading 'will you? will you?'s. Oh, but still, at the end with all the hip hip hooray stuff, she still threw a tissue paper packet in the air.
There's also a guy who's from the same pri school as that girl but is in RI now. I THINK his name is Xue Yang. I'm only putting this in because I highly doubt I'll come back later to edit SOME MORE. He can also draw REALLY well, but he likes realism, and spends AGES doing detail and getting the pictures to look, well, very neat. Neat. You know. Neat. Not american slang neat. Tidy. Okay I finally found a synonym. But you can still spot the talent. Xb. Um, he also likes to draw with ink I guess. He drew a dinosaur (that was anatomically wrong, I'm sorry I can't help being critical. I'm not jealous. Really) and also designed a CD cover. Two of his works have RAFFLES on them. I wonder what RI did to inspire such loyalty. Yep. He's one of the three that don't really join in the bawdy singing. But that's probably also because he's basically shy and quiet.
Finally there's another girl I want to mention, called syarah (pronounced sarah). She also likes to use ink, and her designs are minimalist and cute. Like her sculptures. They are finished quickly and are of a simple make-up, but still look unique.
Argh, like thousandth edit. I forgot Charmaine! *How could I forget her*. She's not actually very important in art (to me, I mean) because she sits at a different table. However, she's from debate camp and she was in practically all my writing and performance arts workshops. Okay. All of them. So we were around each other a lot. She's very sociable, pretty much worried that people will think she's a bimbo Xb. Is open about emotional affairs Xb. We discussed random stuff for a while, including books (she likes sci-fi i.e. Philip K. Dick).
End of art.
Okay adding this in.
Others
Juanhe: *edited because the twins mentioned that THERE IS NO SPACE. RIGHT FINE* This is actually upon request of Nicole, but also because he's so sweet. I was going to talk about the random people I met, but I was wondering if it was justified. He's my junior. I didn't really know his name; he's not from my group. But we did exchange a few sentences, especially backstage during rehearsals when he couldn't participate in mime. He had to leave early because of a maths competition, at which the twins were also participating. Um, so I know he's good at maths and he's in CAP. (o-kay.) He was also in um oh shucks I can't remember. He just wasn't in yellow house in Nanyang. This is lame. I just told him Yellow House rocks, and I think he said red house did. Xbbbb. Dear Juniors. I like my juniors. They're all such great people.
Nigel: Also a Junior. He was in just one of my writing workshops, and um, I thought he was really nice at first...until I talked to Nat who is in his group...and watched him ponce around. Xbbbb. I'm sorry. But he was quiet and unassuming at the workshop. He really has a large ego. Okay, as do most people. Okay. Whatever.
You know what? I just realised that not putting down the names of the arts group people is rather insulting to them. I will come back and put down the names later. I just need to get my book. Xb.
I want to mention more people, but I don't know their names, only their schools. Especially because I only saw them once and couldn't pick them out from the crowd after. Oh and in some cases, we didn't even say a word to each other. Okay to round up.
I also talked to DHS, NJC IP and other random St Nick's girls. Oh like Genevieve and Serafina. (Not in the same school). They are both in arts groups, and have generic sweet dispositions. Which is a good thing. Really.
Oh YEAH. Mabel and Tiffany, who are REALLY good friends. They are both from MGS, but the former's in RJC right now, and the latter ACJC. Tiffany and Clarissa like to discuss Gundam Wing (??) fanfiction, and they are both star wars fans. DEFINITELY not like me. I am lukewarm. I take a passing interest. Xb. Mabel and Tiffany are like Yin and Yang. The other way round. Mabel is quiet, Tiffany is loud. Mabel is good Xb, Tiffany is bad. Both are really pleasant people, in their different ways. And Mabel is very kind. She taught me how to play the cup game (which I taught to many other people, including this indian guy in my group. Xb. S and A, he reminded me of Keshav. Same discomfort with girls telling him what to do, even if I was only trying to TEACH). Tiffany has a very pragmatic wordview, with regards to schools, scholarships and universities. She treated us to a lecture on the first night. I don't remember most of it. Xb. I HAVE to go now, but they are nice and very witty.
Lastly, props to Charissa who made it down on the final three days, updated me on what was going on in school (a mix of HORRIBLE and incredibly funny). On friday seven people were missing. Props to RGS for having such a skewed school timetable. The first two days were NOT conducive at all. I'm glad I wasn't there. Xb. Charissa returned to CAP like a wandering minstrel does to the house of a lord who has treated him kindly. Okay bad analogy. I know. She popped in my art sessions and also went to see my dorm and came backstage. So yay. But she likes to melt away, especially after the closing cerm. Xbbbb. Okay I can't say anymore. No timmmeee.
I am tired now. Rather much so. I was going to talk about Amanda being a councillor. Not much to say actually. She looked stressed out, stretched and was quiet most of the time. [tactful me] I think it was because she was really busy. [/tactful me] I have tact. I will flaunt it. It is a precious possession. Xbb.
Now to spoil stuff. EVERYONE knew Tiffany was fake and non-existent. Xb. Okay, but cool idea okay? Just exactly the sort an Amanda would come up with.
This is all for now. Maybe more when I return. Actually what I've written is pretty much. Were the people I met interesting?
Random note to Random person ONE: You idiot.
Random not to Random person TWO: You IDIOT.
The random people will probably not know that it's them or what they did. I can't add anything else, or they really WOULD know. But I reaaaally mean the random notes. If you are convinced they are directed to you, believe they are. They probably are, so work hard at being a better person. Xbbb.
I think this was a very boring entry. I'm sorry, I have no wit right now *if I ever had any*. You probably didn't enjoy reading about people you have never met. Ah well. See ya later.
P.S. I know some people HAVE to comment. So I'll also be posting this on lj. Comment there if you're able to find it.
P.P.S. The french immersion prog briefing was today. My buddy's (this is really primary school, but I'm in a hurry) name is Hélène. Xb
17 June, Thursday
You're right. I shouldn't be here.
But now that I am...
Is interrupted by brain signals: IT'S ALMOST NINE???? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DAY? EXCUSE ME. I AM FREAKING OUT. MAJORLY. I HAVE A REASON TO. THIS TIME. OKAY?
Nope, I haven't moved yet. When I do, I will tell you. More like write a tearful goodbye to pitas RIGHT here. Obviously I have been having second thoughts. I usually do. But that's for me to worry about.
I was going to say something. Ah yes.
Almost finished with the holiday homework. Just a couple of million lose ends to tie-up, not including all the *optional* (i.e. non-urgent) stuff I have to do. Now if only I could have managed this at the beginning of the hols. Ah well, still, about 3 more June hols for me to practice on right? At least I hope so.
I feel so sad at not being able to use the phrase 'summer holidays'. It actually makes a person feel deprived, if you can believe that. You only have ONE childhood. And so on. But I should be happy. At least I am not attending school in Uganda.
The reason for all this melodrama is GUILT. It nearly always is. I'm not reminding you again.
Next, I think I might look at the nifty debate site that Jing so kindly directed us to that I bookmarked eons ago before I head off to Debate Camp (you know, setting myself up for embarrassment and all that.) I am not a bad debater. I'm not sure what kind of debater I am at all...seeing as I have only debated ONCE, and that wasn't even a full debate. Yep, it's a nice site with 5 parts and loads of comprehensive and neatly organised info, and even an appendix. Now if only I could glue my eyes to it for more than 5 seconds...
I am irritable and bad-tempered. It is my perpetual mood. I am in no hurry to find another. That's because I am happy when I'm miserable. Like a thousand other of our angst-ridden generation.
But I have never angst-ed.
It is common (not that I'm extraordinary) and addictive and I will not stoop to such levels.
Eww. That was in reply to my snobbish little self. I have no cause to be snobbish, but that has apparantly never stopped me.
In a week or so it will be back to school. I don't mind (haha) seeing all my friends again, I just am not looking forward to peering at my teachers' faces. (and perhaps pretending not to mind terribly) Who would have thought I'ld come to dislike school so much? I mean, okay, it took me 7 and a half years, but I'm finally here. Welcome me into your ranks, oh bitter sisters in resignation.
It is everyone's right to rail at the world. However, this is also what separates those with breeding from those without.
You can tell (can't you) that I'm not bothering to censor myself. You totally read more critical rubbish on the net all the time. Besides I don't have the energy.
Plus it's time I got more personality. I am turing into a withered shrimp. Or whatever. I'm bad at analogies.
I want to be pre-pubescent. I was more mature then.
In a second I am going to be throwing vulgarities around. I just know it.
I have always been able to rein in my temper/extreme unhappiness/dissatisfaction/depression/ETC.ETC.ETC before.
I can now.
P.S. I am annoyed as to how little I know about angry emoticons. The only one I know of is -_- which I was using all the time with Sarah over O.C. Someone has to educate me. Maybe when I move to lj, therefore actually throwing you a convenient line of communication. -_- hardly constitutes anger. Alot of things, undeniably, but not deeply-wrought uncontrollable furious frustration.
Bye now.
*I rock at anti-climaxing*
Wait not so much as J.K.. Remember Sirius Black.
16 June, Wednesday
We appeared here by accident.
I am fully aware I sound like a deranged mad woman. Please don't try to understand this entry. I know that I have made no sense.
You know what? You know what? I'm going for camp in a day. This is so NOT a good time.
Dear people, we are accidents, every one of us.
Earth is an accident.
We were here because of an accident that happened a trillion bajillion gazillion (and the vagueness surrounding this is because I scoff at astro, hypocritical me) years ago. Explosions and all that.
Meaning: We were not put here on earth for a purpose.
I should allow myself some emotion.
"We are ACCIDENTS! Do you understand?? Why then is there all the fuss and bother about what we should do? What we should be? We have no purpose! No aim! No life."
Whatever. I was just trying to emulate the rants that you, if you are well-read in sci-fi (unlike I) should be familiar with.
I highly doubt this is a new idea. I am not so arrogant as to claim originality for everything, indeed anything I say.
I probably lost my arrogance years ago. I know you're snorting, as am I. I actually am working on it, because wise people aren't proud, and I have been mature and working towards wise for a while. Except I'm afraid that when I get there, I will lose my personality.
As I was saying...
Anyway, despite the sorry circumstances surrounding our births, for little accidents, we have done pretty well for ourselves. We have seeked to uncover the mystery of life, the mystery of the universe, the mystery of how we came to be. We can rest assured that at the very least, since we are doomed to die, we die knowing exactly how insignificant we are. That's a nice though isn't it? I wonder what people think when they die actually. Perhaps many people are not so wise, or perhaps so foolish to burden (or unburden?) themselves with their very final conscious thought.
We know nothing about the mysteries of death.
There is medication for all this. Would you say there is a cure to everything? (Obviously not). That's what sci-fi is for. Our life will only be as meaningless as we allow it to be, this in the eyes of our fellow human breathren. (In the eyes of the universe...need I go there?) So we can make fun and laugh at ourselves, or we can cease to be content with one solution, and turn to another, which is what fantasy is for. Believe in the impossible? Why don't you? After all, it's believing in the impossible that has made us come so far. It is probably what, a theme many cheesy but tear-jerking movie, fiction etc. endings are wrought to exploit, sets us apart. The ability of the human heart, mind, soul (etc.) to hope.
And then there's always religion and philosophy, for the not-so-mathematically-or-paperwork-inclined to turn to, when pondering the mysteries of basically-everything-that-surrounds-you.
That said, I would like to be a philosopher.
I would like to know that, small unimportant living object that I may be, I might just be a tiny bit closer to the truth than my fellow human beings. I would like to know that, since life is only as meaningless as you allow it to be (in your eyes), your life might have more meaning because you are pondering deep philosophical thoughts. I would like to know that I will always be picturesque and mysterious, pictured in a silent grove, or, should I be in the midst of a crowded mainstreet, still maintain an aura of removal from the mundane. (I will now ruin this all but asking you, what am I saying?)
I would like to carry out never ending conversations with myself. I would like to ask questions that have no answer. I would like to open the doors to further confusion, satisfy myself with the myriad of emotions and reactions I illicit in my audience.
I am not a sadist though. It's for fun.
It would be nice to examine the thousand different approaches to life. That's what literature has been doing for eons. That's what humanity is about.
I am unconvering cans, barrels, crates of worms right now. Eww I hate worms. They are slimy.
That said...it's just something to do. I'm sorry if this didn't go anywhere. I was wondering if it should. I didn't know how to guide it. I didn't know where it should have gone!
A final thing though
Perhaps I will move to livejournal. I am not completely convinced yet, but why should I confine myself to pitas? My blog should not be a [quote]shrine[unquote]. What I really crave is interesting conversation. So why shouldn't I move to livejournal? The lj community is humongous.
Anyway, it never does to shut yourself up in a glass capsule. I wonder how many times I've panicked about linking, passwording and all that childish rubbish. -_-
I should move to livejournal. If only to prove myself wrong.
Layouts and display pictures are such flimsy excuses.
There really is a world out there you know. You just have to find it.
Argh to move or not to move?
But WHEN I do...I won't reveal my username. [people who already know it smirk to themselves. Go ahead, smirking is fun. I do it all the time. Except it's also bad. Because smirking is often a display of condescension and condescension is bad. I will not launch into another reverie]
Find it. Yourself.
15 June, Tues
I can't do my work.
Is it so hard to finish one and a half pieces of Chinese homework? Do this and you're FREE. FREE you know. Not that you're not free now, since your brain stubborn maintains so and questions the need to plague yourself with all these worries. It's the fault of what I've been passing my time with. It's left me more in their everything-turns-out-right and why on earth are you worrying predictable self-solving dreamworld. But I'm different. I'm not living in a dreamworld. This is the real world. My brain just hasn't registered that yet.
I have to do this before I go off for (urgh) Debate Camp and THEN (urgh) CAP.
And I had better note here that I still want to layout my trib article, do my french expo and wrap up periodic table before my life ends.
Why? WHY is it so hard? WHY do I feel like puking when I turn to Microsoft word? WHY won't my fingers obey me when I want to flip the book to random page for random info? WHY won't my brain register the information and churn out grammatical and elegantly phrased sentences to enter into my report?
It feels like I have been afflicted with a definite ailment.
It seems like, for the first serious time in my life, I am lethargic and procrastinating and I seriously SERIOUSLY don't care about finishing my work and I don't care about the consequences. The sort of fever that hits those juvenile deliquent drop-outs.
(obviously not. Or why would I be here? Ranting on? I am procrastinating though)
It's official. I am allergic to productivity.
I need help. Quickly.
15 June, Tues
Quick entry. I hate my blog because it's leeching my life away from me.
Anyway, somehow or other, I grew up and happened upon the horrible realisation that I've been using vulgarities that I never realised were vulgarities. There is a reason I resort to my own coined versions like 'plink' or 'sheesh' or 'shucks' or whatever. I have probably never used s-h-i-t ETC. in my life, and I don't plan to start.
HONESTLY.
But I do use phrases like 'this thing is screwed' or 'my life is screwed' (which means I'm in a whole lot of trouble, you get the picture), and once when I went 'go screw yourself amanda', she was all wide-eyed and 'Wanjie I can't believe you said that' and all I thought I said was something along the lines of 'get lost' etc. until she explained it. Urgh. Besides, phrases or slang, rather, only have the meaning that is attached to them. It is sad that I keep having to come up with new ones, not least because I have grown tired of them, but because I realised that society has happily adopted them and tagged on a meaning, one that was completely unintended by myself.
So then I rely on more world-weary and informed people to enlighten me, and I am rather stunned by whatever I have just said, and I am mortified and I don't say it again. All this before or after I profusely ensure that the recipients understand that whatever I 'said' was definitely unintentional and not what I 'meant'. If they have not realised this by my horror-struck expression.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.
That's it I guess. Ewwww. See ya.
6 June, Saturday
I am not supposed to blog on account of the fact that I'm going to fry for tmr's astro challenge but really, I had to delete the previous lame-brain entry and jot down a few random things. And I'm going to use astro refs in this entry, just to be silly.
I hate hate hate people dying in fiction. Especially if they're the main characters. Especially when the stupid author can't pull it off without contributing solar masses to the plot, but manages to break the reader's heart anyway. In a bad way.
Like after a while I came to terms with the Ben's death in Red Sky in the Morning, and even if the flood was sudden in Mill on the Floss, the ending made it completely worthwhile and Maggie was in a sad state anyway. It was merciful.
But I have never accepted the deaths in, let's see...you know what? I'm pretty sure I've read books with such deaths in them, perhaps I've forgotten, which is a very good thing. But recently I read something heart-wrenching like that again, but it's rubbish, so yeah. Except that doesn't lessen the pain any.
When I watched Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, it took me 3 days to get over it, watching the character played by Chow Yun Fat, and then Zhang Zhiyi die. I remember the no. of days so well, because it was very clear-cut. Prior to then I was probably in complete depression, but after 3 days I must have begun to see the light.
Oh YES. yes. YES. Sirius' death. In OOTP. That was. Completely unexpected. And I'm sorry. It was so pointless. In a way. And I felt terrible, terrible for Harry. Right from the moment he was abandoned and then didn't get Prefect. (But I never thought that he should have shouted at Dumbledore).
But I can't believe it. I got over it. So I'll get over this one. It doesn't matter. They're fictional right? Siigh.
I've always wondered if it was good or bad to let the things you read or experience affect you so much. (I just realised this entry is in direct contradiction to everything amanda has been blathering about my being a heartless souless whatever, and I'm not even trying to really tell you the depth and breadth of my emotions when I experience them) Even if it wasn't good, it's not like I can control it anyway. I know I said, and perhaps it's true, that this world is losing its magic for me. But some things are just exceptional.
I think I will end this here. Usually the feelings go away. No actually they don't, they never disappear, but they get deadened. So it's easier to live. And after a while you can examine them scientifically. Sort of.
I owe my blog two entries: one on talentime which is waaaay overdue. Maybe I'll just say THANK YOU to everyone who came down to support us, and I think the emceeing was completely screwed but everyone really nicely said it wasn't so thanks so much. And Mingwei and Seema bought roses Xb. I kind of had fun dressing up, and all the comments about it not being my style were funny to hear after. Xb They amused me. I hope I shocked you Xbbbbbbbbb. Yeah right. It shouldn't have been that unusual.
It was actually amazing how we pulled it off, esp the decorations. Oh, I really want to thank my supportive classmates, like Liling and Hwee, and Nicole (Xb) who helped to paint, and did a magnificent job of it. Yep, I'm sorry this is disjointed and all.
About PoA, I have a lot to say, but no time to say it. I saw it the day after it premiered, and yes, finally I watch a Harry Potter Film without feeling like I have to wring the teen actors and actresses' necks every moment for the way they were butchering their roles. If you noticed, I kind of realised afterwards that there were all these recurring motifs, of time and the whomping willow (which is really cute and vicious). It doesn't matter if the show isn't a direct adaptation of the book, what matters is that it does justice to it, which is more than I can say for the previous two films. Although I was unhappy at some parts, for example the way Sirius said goodbye. All those lines were horribly scripted; and hello? Hermione was the recipient of the last word? She shouldn't have been. I think J.K. Rowling's line that Harry 'really was his father's son' was one of the most gorgeous ever. It made me break into a smile when I first read it, and still does actually. They didn't even use it, but perhaps they weren't confident with the chemistry generated. The revelation in the Shrieking Shack wasn't solid, so they might be right, but I'm not impartial, since I've read the book.
There were several glimpses of muggle technology, including the spinning gears of the clock (surely wizard's don't need that) and the pipe of the fountain. I don't mind how the actor's look so much anymore. They play their parts well, so does it matter?
Overall, it was a very pretty, very artistic (each still is gorgeous, and the transitions? Ingenious) and very animated adaptation. You could tell how the Cuaron really tried to make the world work, but giving up precious screen-time to humour, although that might also have been to better acquaint the audience with the plot. For example, the singing fat lady part. A bit out of character in my opinion, but still sort of funny I guess. Yeah, that and other things. Interesting dementors, they glide, not fly. I was remotely scared, but I suppose it's possible to be. The patronus was a slight let-down though. It is supposed to charge, not emit flashing silver light. Well that too, but both at the same time. There could have been more done on the past, but well, two and a half hours is the limit I guess, but it would really have been a masterpiece if that could have been smoothly incorporated. Can you imagine the depth and beauty of the film then?
Overall, a very smooth and entertaining film, not one that I was ready for to end halfway. I found myself looking for scenes that were smoothly passed over because they were unnecessary, and I didn't mind at all.
Oh, endearing, almost, Trelawny, though they didn't use the line: There's going to be lots of fog tonight.
That's all. Have to finish torturing myself with astro, see you guys. (Why does that sound so stupid?)
3 June, Thursday
It has been such a looong time since I last blogged. (AS IF. This is a new catch-phrase. No. how many already? Anyhow, it used to belong to Sarah I think.) Ehehehehehehehe. This is my pseudo-evil typed out laugh that doesn't even sound evil anyway, only very lame. I think I should leave off the lameness before I turn into a mouldy potato.
I think you have to forgive my incoherence. I am in a ridiculous mood, because of some lame person's lame poem. One glance at it is enough to send me into giggles. It is that bad, although that person has never thought so. Sharifah would know what I was talking about Xbbbbb. I would provide the link but it is TOO mean. Anyway, you might not even find it as funny as it is really supposed to be unless you knew that person in person. I was going to add an adjective, but that would be mean too.
Anyway, I think I really need a new layout, something that is clearer and easier on the eyes, and looks more put together. But honestly, I don't have time for photoshop these days, it's like my life has swiveled around since the start of the year and my priorities have changed completely. Now it's more along the lines of: do homework and just stay alive. I think. Riight. Nevermind.
Glancing back at my archives, I can't believe how I didn't even notice that my chin was barely above the water. At least every other entry mentioned something about the amount of homework or some test I had to study for.
Anyway (how many times have I used that word? My knowledge of connectors is truly impoverished), I was going to complain about the trouble I had gotten myself into by letting the twins coerce me into joining NUS-NTU astro quiz. While it is more their problem than mine, since I fully aim to score the lowest possible out of all the participants and will be disappointed with any other outcome, I now have the undesirable task of chasing them about the Astro game, especially since they don't seem to give a hoot about it. -_- . I know you're reading this. I hope you realise we have three days OR LESS to come up with something DECENT before you have as good as signed your withdrawal form from the competition. And since I am supposed to be a passive member, I don't see why I have to do all this. But since when have I been passive, sigh. Anyway, you had better log on quickly to do something about it.
Back to where I was, the notes Cheryl sent me made me want to laugh or cry. Some parts are clear, the rest is incomprehensible. Xb. Oh, and it is very funny looking at their attempts to illustrate the text. Obviously they didn't try anything with paint. E.g. |...o...| This is supposed to represent how a planetary nebulae of medium brightness would appear to us when our line of sight passes near, but not exactly at periphery. Less bright towards centre and dimmest at outer edge. You are, by the way, supposed to ignore the periods as they are there to 'align the thing'. How is that easily understood; how? Actually, it's sort of okay, but when you have 27 pages worth of such stuff, your head starts to spin a little. I wish I hadn't thrown my past year astro notes into last year's heap of files; a package I will only open again at doomsday. (BTW, you are supposed to take everything I say now with a pinch of salt, because I am tired of writing disclaimers).
I haven't digested enough of the notes to start ranting on about the difficulty of memorising, HELLO that an emission nebulae is supposed to appear PINK and other random stuff like the galaxies that are currently being pulled towards the milky way are the large and small Magellanic Clouds and the Sagitarrius Dwarf. *I can't even believe I remembered that*.
You probably think now that I am just trying to show off my astro knowledge (as if). I am not. I am just trying to express my frustration. And what really plinked me off was their explanation on the life cycle of the star, which was hopelessly complicated and need not have been so. There was a two line disclaimer, and THEN a paragraph labelled HYDROGEN, which doesn't even make sense on his own. Couldn't you have organised all this info better? All this, after a long stretch on how stars are classifed, where you didn't make yourself clear after presenting the stupid acronym: Oh Be A Fine Girl, Kiss Me. I don't even know what the words are supposed to stand for, and I don't pretend to believe that they stand for exactly what they are in the acronym. Is it just the letters that indicate the colour or classes? Or what? This and more convoluted instructions.
I can totally hear what they are saying now, something along the lines of going to find my own notes since I can't understand theirs. Maybe typing the above was a bad mistake Xb, but since I foresaw this attack, I also prepared a rebuttal, albeit an unreasonable one, so I won't use it. Basically I'm just annoyed okay? -_- . Oh, and this is a warning about how I expect to perform for the quiz, and all this before I even ATTEMPT to memorise the constellations, their alpha and beta stars and all the nitty gritty that I will doubtlessly forget. -_-
Plink... anyway, if I sound very annoyed in this entry, you shouldn't really worry Xb because I'm not that miffed because I am slightly pacified by the fact that I actually RECALLED something from my morning revision. -_-UUU.
However, I am tempted to say never again will I be dragged into another astro comp. Maybe if I survive this one...
abrupt ending. see ya!
2 June, Wednesday
I am going to make a VOW here.
A VOW. VOW VOW VOW VOW. That term is positively archaic, but nevermind. Anyone who has watched the animated movie Swan Princess should be grinning right now because the word VOW is used a gazillion times in the film, for simpery reasons.
WHATEVER. Long-windedness is preventing me from fulfilling my VOW, and then you'll have to kill me.
BECAUSE I VOW HERE to FINISH my chem love letter BY TODAY. TODAY because I desperately NEED to be constructive, and obviously have not been so. So if I don't, please get your hatchets and axes and crossbows ready. And I will be yield quietly and not traumatise you and haunt your memories. Oh, I will also be grateful.
Or you could just cut me down with your (rolls eyes crazily rhetoric *anyone recognise the lame reference?*) and that will do just as well.
31 May Monday
HOW I WISH I could just curl up with a book and disappear from reality.
BUT I CAN'T because there's a MOUNTAIN of stuff I have to do.
Am blogging for maximum time wastage. GOODBYE CRUEL WORLLLLLD. (which is a suicidal phrase but TOO BAD I am not going to off myself)
31 May, Monday
It's probably like obligatory for many blog-devotees to blog on this *official start on the hols*, but this really isn't why I'm doing it. Now.
I just can't stand a really icky and plinky and goodness-knows-what-other-suitable-adjective blog entry as the first when my blog page comes up.
I've just spent a really long time designing *not really that long actually. I conserve time. (RIGHT)* my homework list and NO WHERE on it does it say homework or the equivalent in english and other languages. It looks pretty and minimalistic and will hopefully motivate me to do all my homework so I will be allowed to deface its pristine surface with a great big ugly TICK. Now wasn't that motivational.
I feel slightly plinked, but not too much.
Richard Paul is currently gracing our school with his divine presence, like the cult leader that he is. And that is the reason why we were booted out two days early, which no one really minds, except we will be dragged back early to make up. FORTUNATELY for me I have two rock solid excuses against that, so if one very unlikely-ly fails, I'll have the other. Both are equally enjoyable. Oh, anyhow, there were all these focus group meetings, and tribune members were even invited to interview him and all. I feel really guilty, to myself and my principles, possibly. I passed both up.
I wonder if it was laziness. I obviously hope not. Actually, I am a very lazy person. This might be because I compare my person to the protagonists in my favourite fiction, which might be more than slightly unfair as you can never have a lazy hero in successful fiction, but you get the picture. (I have never really put in effort to develop any gifts I might have had; how pathetic is that. If you compare me to those who were trained from the start to become warriors or whatever *I will make an effort to finish this sentence* and worked their entire childhoods off to reap the harvests of their great and epic destiny, I am a sad sad example of humanity.) Not that I have a great and epic destiny laid out before me, not that anyone else is really better, after all, don't I live in the REAL world? But see...look at all the examples that dot history, REAL-LIFE examples of people who became great by being hardworking. I desist from naming them and insulting your intelligence. Perhaps really, the difference between normality and GREATNESS is hard work and why do I keep thinking destiny? Not that I ever wanted to be GREAT, and why am I being so annoying right now? This is reportedly a modern age, and fairy-tale formulas to success are not supposed to have an effect. Anymore.
The source of the above banter is (obviously) a book I've been reading.
NEXT on the agenda. I'm supposed to have time to enjoy SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS. That's why so many film studios choose to release their best-Oscar-bets at THIS time of the year, because it's *summer*, because life is FREE, easy and in need of some good solid entertainment to fill the void. However, for us over in the eastern hemisphere (did I get that wrong), summer doesn't equate -end of school-, it is merely a short break, so I don't suppose the stream of homework will be letting up anytime soon. Not that I'll have completed what I have right now bright and early so I can go catch worms.
I am going on in a disjointed manner, and my expression is completely wonky. It is fairly embarrassing, but I will permit myself to post this sad sad sad entry this ONCE.
Oh yeah, I think I left off the whole Richard Paul thing. Thinking about him just annoys me. I told the trib ed that I would sooner murder him than ask him questions, which isn't very fair. But I felt anyhow, despite the cutting story it might have made, coupled with opinions from the student body, that I shouldn't always impose upon myself the need to be THERE, to do the things other people won't do. And I used the excuse that I am merely a teen, and this is starting to sound stupid. Basically, I didn't want all the trouble of preparing for an interview by going through the stuff he has written and conceptualised and thinking up amazing questions to make for scintillating conversation and expose him for the annoying fraud that he is. Because my LAZINESS wasn't prepared for the effort involved and it was fairly short notice, and perhaps I didn't care THAT much anyway. Now my conscience won't let up on my exhibition of apathy and hypocrisy and laziness and it is telling me that the TRULY passionate grasp at straws and here was a rare opportunity to meet a so-called educator and expose the inner workings of his mind and puzzle out the attractiveness and marketibility of his ideas that have made institutions like our dear school embrace them, an opportunity that I just flung out the window, and it is reminding me all that I've forgotten about the TRUTH OF JOURNALISM etc. etc. etc. And I parried with the fact that we don't even KNOW if he's the real thing and everyone certainly doesn't think so and so why should I waste my time and possibly embarrass myself and besides, I am only a SCHOOL reporter and a teen who has yet to mature so please give me a break. So my conscience riposted that WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE and wasn't it always your policy to NOT jump to conclusions and only decide based on YOUR OWN observations and SO what if you're only a teen and a school reporter? This is an opportunity and EVERYONE starts somewhere.
But there is no use grousing. Perhaps to everyone else who declined the chance all too readily, it doesn't matter. And I, who is making so much noise right now will probably forget about it all, and I am no different from them anyway, something that chills me slightly, because at the very end, I DECLINED too.
Whatever. I have just recalled an incident that proves to me that I am NOT REALLY one to let opportunities walk out the door, so that is some consolation. Also, I am still looking at my future self and hoping to see a growth of tenacity that I feel I lack now.
Is that true? Whatever.
Oh, I supposed you'ld notice that I have given up the whole 'tact fact' thingy. It's really rather pointless, and I suppose I just couldn't bring myself to think of them. So they are now wiped from future entries, or have will be on a ad-hoc basis.
Last thing I think. I should go soon.
Okay I have decided not to say it. Oh, except for another thing that wasn't it, I want to move to livejournal.
This is a whine that doesn't hold anything, because you know it will probably never materialise, even though IT IS SO EASY FOR ME TO DO SO.
I would blog-cut in all the right places and format like a pro.
But you will never know.
Because I'll never go.
*Rhymes are partly intentional, but not for cheesy purposes. I'm just being my normal, ridiculous self.*
Goodbye!
27 May, Thursday
This wasn't really what my next entry was supposed to be about, but I don't have anyone else to talk to...I guess I have to say what I feel here.
Everytime my sister has problems, my mother blames a percentage of it on me. She definitely feels, and she has made so much of it clear to me on a number of occasions, that I am not caring and doing enough for my sister, and that I put her down to much, and support her too little. And it's my fault, and it frustrates me, in a way.
Because I can't really show affection, not like that, and hello, I have never really tried to be close to her, since young. I kind of always picked on her (not very nicely) growing up, and I have ceased to do that right now, especially since I've matured and realised that it's extremely cruel and definitely not the way a big sister should act, but I suppose that doesn't really mean I've stopped being selfish and started showing more love for her, which I guess I haven't.
And it's kind of difficult, if you can understand it. Becuase after a thousand years of bullying, and you just turn around and say, oh you know what? Deep down I actually care a lot for you, and you will always be my dear little sister and stuff. It is REALLY hard to do that, not to mention embarrassing, although I know it shouldn't be.
I think I'm being blatantly honest here, but then I have to say this SOMEWHERE. Obviously I can jot it down in one of my thousand almost-empty notebooks but it's much faster this way.
You can tell my mother is angry with me, and blames me and everything. I can't say I hold it against her, but I am annoyed, because I can't explain my reservations. Oh, but it also annoys me that she's acting angry. Wyen she's angry she MAKES sure I know it, because otherwise what would be the point of her being angry?
According to my mother, my sister loves me so much that she probably feels that it's only fair that I show that I love her EQUALLY much. Or at the very least, as she complains, prepare birthday cards and presents and do other stuff for her. Not that I don't do anything, but perhaps I don't find the energy to do extra.
I can't explain my um, maybe there isn't another word for it, ambivalence.
I definitely know though, that it's not because I hate her, and hope (because I don't understand it myself) that worse it isn't because I don't feel anything at all.
Whatever. I just don't suppose I'm a very good big sister. No one would ever award such a prize to me. And I really couldn't ever see myself buying one of those hallmark cards which bear captions like: God made us sisters but life made us friends.
Perhaps I am just a really bad person. So it's kind of sad, but that just means that my sister (so I'm trying to atone for random stuf here, but I'm sure I still mean it) is a really good person who still loves (I guess) me, even if I probably don't deserve it.
I know you're probably picking up on the extenseive use of modals, but just give me a break, okay?
27 May, Thursday
I need to point out irony *something I'm so good at (er-hem, er-hem. Disclaimer: I am in another of my E moods)before I forget it. It is IRONIC that shrek pokes fun at pop culture while it has become pop culture itself.
The other bit of amazing irony that I pointed out recently was the fact that the tribute to mother theresa taped-down video that (ARGH I can't even blog in PEACE. There's this STUPID great big brown beetle buzzing around the room. I HATE insects of almost every description *except butterflies because they are poetic* ESPECIALLY beetles, cockroaches and worm-types.) And NOW I have to go for dinner. Hopefully by the time I return the beetle will have magically vanished.
back. YAY no sign of the beetle. Um, where was I. Oh yeah, that taped down tribute that we didn't even watch in full because our CLE blocks are so short and our school computers so lousy. It was IRONIC because in between all the deep and important messages of how we should relinquish our death-grip on worldly possessions, wishes and wants, there were all these advertisements on handphones, credit cards and even detergent (which if you think about it, causes harm to the environment and isn't entirely necessary plus advocates either lots of flushing with a tap or a sparkling washing machine.)
I have wasted so much time on what wasn't even the bulk of what I wanted to say.
Sometimes I think about blogging so much I even THINK in blog entries. It's sad, because what I think in blog-form is often very amusing, except I forget them or don't have the energy to put them down, and then they are sort of lost forever.
Here's an example, which will NOT be lost, obviously. Unless I get tired of spelling it out halfway.
I just realised how the internet is like an entire civilisation or dimension. It is VIRTUAL and technically doesn't exist without a LOT of things and could easily be destroyed (perhaps) esp. with the wiping out of technology by an apocalypse or whatever. But similarly, it also has LIFE, CHARACTER and ENERGY, which is poured into it by human beings, some of who practically LIVE on it. (I suppose I can testify, which is SAD) And then I realised how this alternative dimension idea thingy *I don't think I really expressed it well, so I honestly doubt you feel its magic* could be turned into a particularly beautiful piece of literature (if I ever had the ability), and THEN I realise that it is actually a very old idea, kind of related to that of digimon where digimonsters and humans live in separate dimensions that are only linked through certain gateways, one of which is the internet. Obviously I didn't actually copy of anything, it just happened, like finding a train only to discover that the cars were already filled. But hopefully-ms-tan-worthy analogies aside, I think you get the picture.
End of example.
And if you realised, I might be putting an extra amount of teacher references here in future, in case any of them happen to read my blog. Which is stupid really, because it would only serve to entertain them more, maybe, and make them come back more often when what they should be doing is leaving our not-so-private thoughts alone and devising more fiendish forms of torture for the students who apparantly aren't suffering enough because they haven't lost the power of expression and independent thought.
And what I said above is kind of unfair really, because our teachers are actually quite emphatic and sympathetic.
I am sort of blogging now because I'm haunted by a ghost of a blog entry (hooray for wordplay) that I've been wanting to scribble down since morning but haven't had the chance.
So here goes. The entry proper. *I hate that phrase: the BLA proper, it's so prudish and all, but sometimes I just have to use it I guess*
Guess what?
Long attached disclaimer (that have become charactheristic of me): This phrase is actually borrowed of my cousin, who used to use it super-often but stopped a long while ago which is a pity because it's rather adorable. And ANYWAY, when I use it it actually means I have something interesting to report, so you should be suitably interested and enthusiastic. Incidentally, the ONLY acceptable reply to this phrase is a bright and perky 'WHAT?'. Nothing else, not a smile, a fire-away expression or any other phrase will suffice.
Whaaaaatt (by chorus from my imagination)
I'm sorry that after all that drama this might not be particularly novel, but I sort of found a way to skew the entire world's perception of me to the more positive side.
Which goes along the lines of: instead of saying I'm short and rude and tactless, you could just rest assured that I'm really honest.
Which probably means that I can't bring myself to be civil to people whose guts I hate (I actually haven't found any yet. Isn't that nice? But that's the way it should be for everyone, so it's not really extraordinary), and you'll never really get the feeling that I being nice to you for any other reason than the fact that it's because I think you're nice.
And I suppose I'm also honest because I value honestly, which I think is really important because I absolutely HATE being deceived (hint hint to certain people who actually already know it I guess).
And maybe if you slip up and are not honest, it's also fine if you apologise profusely, because I suppose that symbolises sincerity=honesty although one too many times could destroy that particular 'weapon' forever.
And that's also why hypocrisy is so detes(table?). But all of us are guilty of it one time or another, so we should forgive and forget right? (You know I don't really do that latter).
I think I'm digressing a lot, but then I don't have much to say anymore.
Except, oh, right now, I was going to say that (WAIT I FORGOT) oh YEAH because the holidays have started and despite the fact that I have a PILE of homework that cries out to be done but also wields the big blinking neon sign of 'procrastination', I am feeling relatively un-stressed, and as a result, am in an un-paralleled fit of helpfulness. Actually I am by nature, helpful. For proof, OH SHUCKS I JUST REMEMBERED, that for english ESSAY TEST, I had this UNBELIEVABLE bit of reasoning explaining DEFINITELY SO why anyone wouldn't want to be poor and REMAIN poor unless they couldn't help it = poor people are not responsible for their poverty, and I FORGOT TO PUT IT IN, due to the fact that my mind was busy with all the other more TEXTBOOK POINTS. ARRRRRGH. WHATEVER. I will get over it if I score above 25/30 for the test (RESOUNDING AS IF), i.e. NEVER EVER EVER. So too bad. For me. I will remain a BITTER bitter soul until the end of time. All because of 50 minutes. Whatever. I digress.
I mean, I am by nature, helpful. If you take my pri school report book and count the number of 'HELPFULs' in the comments sections, there are sure to be more than THREE, and that says something, as we only get a report twice a year. And so anyhow, since I'm so helpful and generous right now, I would most likely to most things you asked me to (note to twins: probably doesn't include astro Xb) so if you need my help you should ask now. (riiight, I bet I would politely refuse, but my conscious doesn't think so). So since I am so helpful and all, I am actually sacrificing an entire homework-doing day (and everyone knows that is the most entertaining activity on the planet) and going to help my mom arrange the booth for the World Book Fair at Suntec I think tmr. That's how helpful I am.
I guess I should go now. To go and make something of my day, although in a way I have, because I have happily gone and fulfilled by duty to talentime group by satisfying ms ting's somewhat (in my opinion) unreasonable demand, and kind of spent a more-than-usually-fruitful session at amanda's house Xbbbb.
So now I should go. Because I'm supposed to be holiday-busy. You won't believe the stuff we have to do. It is fortunate that not ALL subjects assigned work, but the subjects which DID sure made sure that we wouldn't miss them too much.
20 May, Thursday
I feel a sudden inclination to blog...
*Okay, it's also so I have something new to read on my blog. Yes, I'm sorry, I read my own blog Xb. If only to fully know the extent to which I should be humiliated for all the grammatical and spelling errors I commit. Actually, I've read some entries like, two or more times. Oh, but don't be mistaken. When I discover errors, I do absolutely nothing about it. (unless I'm in a zealous mood)*
First (but not most important, I only want to get it out of the way before I forget to say it), thing: My class rocks. (this is not the ecstatic jubilant ROX but just your friendly old adjective) We are all in the same mind. We have devote half of our blackboard to a countdown to the end of school. We cannot wait to be free from RGS. I swear, during the entire course of the June hols, I will do my level best to avoid stepping into the campus. I see enough of it during term time.
I think the teachers share our sentiments too; the lessons go really slowly now *with the exception of English I expect*, and they spend a substantial amount of the time discussing non-curriculum related topics. Too bad they don't want the end of school enough to propose an earlier (than our already early) school closure.
BTW, I have now sworn off caring about marks. I suppose my fanaticism this semester was due to close contact with certain percentage/summativeorformative-preoccupied people (Xb), but after 5 months my mind has developed an immunity to this affliction and I will be able to live the next one freer and happier from all these ridiculous cares and bothers.
I feel really bad about debate. Everytime a debate date is FINALLY settled on (due to the nebulous nature of our CCA schedule), I manage to contrive an excuse. Actually it isn't really my fault. I don't know why it always seems that I have to leave early/forgo it such that to date I have only debated ONCE.
I am sort of wasting time; I actually have a list of things to complete...
But that has never stopped me. SO what else is there.
Oh yeah; in the past if you had noticed all my entries have ONE dominant theme and ONE only. It is an occasion when I allow myself to type these potluck entries where I throw everything stupid and minor in. My standards must be dropping because such entries form the bulk of my blog today.
Incidentally, I *SURPRISE SURPRISE* want to change my layout. Except my passion for web-design is still in a gutter somewhere, I haven't had the energy to find it. And obviously it's unlikely I'll want to use a layout I didn't create myself. So maybe in the next *fuzzy time frame* or so.
I actually wanted to say something.
OH yeah, sometimes I wish I actually HAD diplomacy. If you don't have diplomacy, you get a lot of flak and trouble. Too bad I think it's unnatural.
Oh, sometimes I just can't stop myself from making a statement, but more often than not now I'm able to computate the possible effects of my remarks, so I can filter out the really bad ones. Except occasionally I just can't help myself, so those are slip-ups.
Whatever, this is so old.
Loads of stuff to do, I URGH talentime. Thus far I have refrained from publicising it on my blog. There is no point since everyone who reads it is usually from RG anyway, and it is vulgar. Xbbb. I mean, I like do it enough when I see you guys in person.
I think I should go.
Oh, I think I'm a very self-aware person. Because I'm so open-minded and I make sure everyone knows how receptive I am to criticism, I end up knowing almost every single (or major) flaw I have. Too bad I'm still improving so slowly as a person. However, I'm relatively clear as to my strengths and weaknesses. I can troubleshoot pretty well, but it doesn't seem to come off during examinations. Perhaps it's stress.
Up until now, I have believed stress to be a good thing. For me, because I'm never TOO stressed. However, I'm not too sure now, if it is affecting my performance. And how would I know? For all the experimental skills and analytical thinking we are taught in school, I simply have no idea how to design an experiment to find out if the stress I am experiencing now is what is affecting my performance in tests, or if it is beneficial and will only make me work harder.
Whatever. I am tired to blogging.
Alors, je vais faire mes devoirs maintenant.
16 May, Sunday
I may never get to say this later, so I'm doing it now.
In explanation of the former, not because I would have stopped caring or thinking about it, but because I probably wouldn't have the time or energy later.
And although it's going to be a long, convoluted and half-baked entry that doesn't actually do justice to the subject, I won't care, because it's better now than never.
So here goes.
I love pokémon (I won't bother with the accent after this).
You probably all grew up and left me in the throes of my childhood, or never cared in the first place, but I did, and I still do.
I never really jumped on the bandwagon. Remember when it was the craze so long back? And there were all these weird copies of pokemon products on the market. And now it's all but faded out from your memories.
I remember when my cousins could say the pokerap (I bet they forgot that Xb). I remember when I still used to play the game. I never had a gameboy but I played the computer ver. I ALWAYS started off with bulbasaur (I never played yellow), and I had this strategy where I would catch a caterpi and train it into a butterfree and stuff). I never got past Celadon City because the stupid game couldn't save. I still know the lyrics to the VERY first pokemon theme song Xb.
I started loving it by watching the television series and I have never expected it to end (not that's it's ending. It can't, it won't). It's like a tradition for me, on sat mornings. Ash goes on all these epic journeys from one tournament to the next, taking forever, and sometimes he loses and sometimes he wins, but he always gives it his best shot and he loves his pokemon ALOT and they all love him.
I have missed alot of episodes, it's impossible, when you're growing up into sec school and all that, but I still manage to somehow catch significant ones, although I do miss out on seeing all the cool gym leaders and their outfits and temperaments etc.
It's a really warm show with all the fluffiness you get with the genre, but I love it anyway. He has these tight partnerships with his pokemon and PIKACHU (the friend forever), and Misty and Brock, forming an inseparable trio, and the occasional people who cross their path. And they spread laughter and joy everywhere. Really, because every episode usually ends happily, but that doesn't make it boring.
Even though we've seen Ash let some of his pokemon go, the really important ones (like Squirtle) make a return appearance from time to time, and it's ALWAYS really sweet and touching. Whenever Squirtle comes back he wins an important episode for Ash, and it's so precious how they haven't forgotten each other no matter how long they've been apart. Xb [Pikachu doesn't ever get jealous of Ash's attentions to his other pokemon, obviously. They have a camaraderie that's beyond all that.]
The songs from pokemon, though you might think they have kiddy lyrics and are inane, really really aren't. Some can make you cry Xb, especially since the show is all about FRIENDSHIP, the friendship songs are very good.
It's definitely a show for a kiddy audience, and though I may not be a kid much longer, I'll still continue to love it. It's inspirational and exhilarating to see Ash fight so hard for his gym battles, and the pokemon battles, the REALLY good ones at the gyms and tournaments leave you hanging onto the edge of your seat.
I kind of took it for granted until recently, when kids central's (false) second-last episode of pokemon announcement made me freak out, so I rushed online to check out the episode list on pokemon.com which I haven't visited in about a million years. And I found out it's not, thank goodness.
But that stupid announcement made me realise how important (I know it sounds stupid, but it's true) the series is to me, with all its warmth and goodness and the predictability of fairytales and the reassurance of childhood. It is a legacy from primary school, when I was still blithe and innocent and lackadaisical. And I'm not ready to let go of it yet, I'm definitely not ready to stop growing and changing and evolving as a person and I probably want to remain a child for as long I can (even in mind I suppose, though you'ld think I grew up years ago), because you're only a child once.
Ash was like ten when he started out years ago. It seems that I've changed and he hasn't, he's still the same height, wears the same outfit. It seems he's immortally young, fated to travel on that unwinding and unending path to Pokemon Master-dom. His cheerful and courageous spirit is obviously meant by the animators to be a beacon of light for the many children who follow his adventures, urging us to face our challenges with the same tenacity, drive and passion. He never loses sight of his goal, to become a Pokemon Master, and he never gets down either.
It's idealistic and perfect and that's why I love it so much I guess.
So I wrote this, before the feeling buries itself once again and I forget to thank pokemon for being such a significant but often overlooked part of my life. :)
May 14, Friday
I have like, the worst flu ever.
Disclaimer: This entry might sound disgusting. Not amanda-disgusting but more disgusting than I usually get.
My nose is like a faulty tap. The mucus is clear and viscous and just keeps flowing. I have NO idea how it manages to produce so much.
I live life from one sneeze to another. I can feel one coming 5 mins before and I continually open and close my mouth to brace myself.
When I was young I used to like sneezing, if you could believe it. It is a nice feeling, and it makes you warm inside for a short while after. Needless to say, I had a very good immune system and didn't catch cold often.
Now I think my immune system has broken under the strain of tests and stress,in addition to the fact that my class is addicted to air-conditioning (so is the whole school, okay whatever). There really is a flu epidemic going around.
I still ate ice-cream today. I really don't care.
I don't feel too bad yet. Maybe when I have a raging fever and am bed-ridden and contemplating quick and painless death by random stuff toy then will I repent.
I shouldn't waste more time over this. Except a flu is also inhibiting because you can't go anywhere without ten boxes of tissue paper and a large plastic bag to contain the used ones. And your voice sounds funny. Obviously
Oh SHUCKS, I hope it all clears up before next next monday. Ahahaha. Otherwise I don't care. S'won't be my fault. Right?
I should go now. This is just to document my not-painful-enough-yet suffering.
13 May, Thurs
I never thought I'ld say this, but CLE might not be such a waste of time after all.
I was looking at that journal entry on SMART goals that we had to do. At that time, I thought it was rather pointless, and just another exercise to make something out of common-sense-facts-packaged-professionally, but now I'm rather glad I did it.
I haven't actually achieved the goals I set, even though they are of an abysmal standard and I was being INCREDIBLY realistic when I set them because I didn't want the teachers vetting my journal to think I am super competitive, ridiculously optimistic and bound for failure (which isn't very far from the truth) so yeah, I did that.
And I was looking at all of lu lao shi's orange scribbles (that are only slightly ungrammatical, which is very good for a chinese teacher. WHO AM I TO TALK?) and they actually cheered me up, if you can believe it. Even if it's all hallmark card stuff and unimaginative motivational phrases everyone repeats to everyone, they are like a soothing balm on my frazzled nerves. I mean, honestly. I was SMILING as I read them. Now I am really happy for the first time this week, and I don't think I feel so bad anymore. [But don't talk to me about it okay? Self-pity makes me cry, and it's for the very stupid reason of 'self-pity', so I would be even madder with you and cry even more.]
I guess everything has a purpose, and a time, and a place. (etc. etc. etc.)
I shouldn't actually have blogged. But this is in tribute to lovely lovely CLE, for which I will have more respect from now. Nothing's dead yet.
11 May, Tuesday
Five stations PFT today.
This year, I am earning my FIRST silver medal, all because of sit-ups. It doesn't much matter anymore (because I don't think they issue the pinny thingy), but I'm definitely going to work out this year so I can perform with ease next year.
My entire body itches. I still have hives, after a thousand and one years. It is highly annoying. It's like a virus that disappears when you take medication, and comes back the moment you stop.
Finally the stream of tests shows signs of waning. (Unless I counted wrongly. I SO hope not) You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to the holidays. Although it's highly unlikely I will ever get to sleep in, given the amount of stuff I'm going for, I will still be happy.
Oh, and my nose is partially blocked and I think I have a sorethroat.
It is very rare that I complain about how I feel. And I don't often fall sick really. But when I do I usually try to bear it. Okay, maybe I grumble, but not too much. Still, it's difficult to make me miss school because of an illness.
I have rashes on the sole of my right foot!
And on the top of my left foot.
And on my cheek.
... Talentime is ALOT of work. I never expected Ms Ting to be so demanding. Furthermore, the ticketing group is now doubling up as the decorations/promotions committee. We are performing more than our fair share of duty, and normally I wouldn't really bother, but I'm busy now PLUS I'm rushing an issue for tribune that looks set to become the july (hopefully not december) issue. It annoys me, it really does.
Oh, also because my group can't really come to a decision with regards to decoration. Plus ********* never cooperates.
Good news though, our class is so much happier now. Except in the mornings, when we're still all dead. Sometimes I feel we should develop the habit of a) opening the windows and b) greeting people who enter with a loud GOOD MORNING or variations and a big smile.
Urgh hives I hate hives. They never go awaaaay. They plague you forever and ever.
I think I shall end here. I am really just blogging to humour all of you Xb. Okay, also because I am deliberating about homework and all that. HEY I have hives, honestly, hives is seriously distracting. You expend so much energy trying not to scratch that you have no more left for homework.
B l e g h.
So anyway, going now. See ya!
8 May, Saturday
URGH. Venting in progress. Urghggggggh.
I am going to allow myself to be childish for once. I am tired of being mature and understanding and compromising and tolerant because it saps my strength and I don't have the mental capacity anymoreeee. Or at some times.
I didn't mind when we couldn't come to an agreement. HONESTLY. I plainly accepted it as one of the many occasions where there are differences that cannot be resolved; and I didn't begrudge you ONE LITTLE BIT. But then you had to dredge it up, perhaps being afraid that your reputation for kindness, charity and generosity would be marred; or maybe imagining (mistakenly) that it would remove any misunderstandings between both parties. WHICH THERE WASN'T (except maybe on your side), until you had to open your mouths.
And noooow I realise, that you didn't apparantly carry out the exchange, not because, as I thought, that you couldn't afford it (although that was partly in the reasons you stated, pragmatism still being a priority), but also, because oh we weren't sincere enough, so I suppose we didn't ask nicely enough, or was it because we didn't get down on our knees and grovelled?
And though you said sincere, I'm sure I heard humility. And I couldn't help it, I barely restrained myself from full-on eye-rolling (THAT would have been really rude) because of all the hypocrisy that was on parade.
And although I now realise people with nothing to really offer except oppurtunities for doing favours should perhaps have been more patient and submissive and maybe GRATEFUL, I still have nothing to say to your pseudo-nobility except pfuit.
And the irony was that THERE WAS NOTHING THERE TO BEGIN WITH, but YOU MADE IT SO. And you were sensitive and it occurred to you, and you made a big deal about it, and you HARPED on it, and you SINGLED people out for praise, thanks and the full benefits of your WARM-HEARTEDNESS and since you are SO diplomatic (I am assuming this on account of that being one of your PRIMARY criterions for trading partners; so obviously birds of a feather flock together unless you are hoping to purchase diplomacy which is obviously not a marketable commodity) you definitely were conscious of the message you were sending to the OTHER parties.
rolleyes
I don't know what I'm devoting so much time and energy to this. Maybe because no one apart from my group sees things the same way; and because I have to vent. And because some people are SO poofty.
ROLLS EYES.
Whatever. Like hello? WHATEVER.
A couple of things I learnt.
Diplomacy means pandering to the egos of other people. DEFINITELY important and effective to make them feel superior to achieve your means. PLUS it is legal.
Also, when backed into a corner, I decidedly lose every single scruple I possess. I would probably do anything to keep my country fed (or to gain points, though I prefer the former). And quite honestly, there often really isn't a choice.
I would say that I enjoyed myself until the last bit which COMPLETELY spoilt it for me. Whatever. What I really feel like saying: you can take your sincerity and get out of my sight. But that's only because I am SO ANGRY and I feel SO INDIGNANT and it was SO INSULTING and I would never really do that in real life because it is socially catastrophic. Except I feel you really shouldn't have to deal with these people; except now you know the feeling of poverty and when you are poor, you have to take all the mannerisms, arrogance, airs and affectations of other people. Because beggars can't be choosers.
But when you are rich, you can choose to be charitable, and you can then AFFORD scruples and so perhaps wealth should always go with wisdom. But we never get what we want, do we?
EDIT: no tact fact. It is instinctively unsuitable for such an entry. The irony would kill me.
7 May, Friday
I am supposed to be doing RS proposal while Amanda, Sarah and Kalps are off wowing the crowd with their singing AND/OR acting; but whatever.
Maybe I should have gone to watch. Xb. I have all these reasons....
Anywaaaay. I have decided to include as many details in my blogging in future. They will be interesting to read when I *look back*. Looking back is one of more (unhealthy) hobbies; but you knew that. Also; I am supposed to get FORUM entries. PLEASE WRITE. Honestly. You're given the freedom of speech and you don't use it.
NOTE: The following chunks will be ego-tripping. I just had another idea for a blog entry. STOP. Will finish this one first. >>> Some people log on with very lame and blatantly attention-getting nicks. I reaaally want to post them here, but I wonder if the creators of those nicks read my blog. They shouldn't be offended. This is my honest opinion (and this is the delusional fog by which my view of the world is shrouded). Okay, just one example then (warning; this is a direct quote, from my memory): I aim to become a very boring muggerish person. (Oh no, I just realised HOW ARROGANT I am being writing this. I should stop. But at least I am not smiling. I'm merely recording facts). So anyway, it is ALL I can do not to open a conversation and retort that IT was one to begin with. There are nicks which make my eyeballs go round and round and round and don't afford as much amusement as they serve to boost my (already bursting) ego *but I am doing something about it. Oh sheessssh*. Did you realise I was being completely honest here? I am exposing the workings of my (and probably many people's) inner mind. That flawed mechanism that builds superiority on the inferiority of others. A process which is allowed by a total lack of wisdom and mental complexes. Urgh...... anyway. People should just stop having such stupid nicks; that is all.
Oh, and stuff like ducks rule the world. Excuse me?
Okay, stopping with the ego-tripping. Next topic...
Honestly; some people are completely different on their blogs. The ones that strike me most are those that COME TO LIFE through their writing, and are more ordinary (not really to say lacklustre) in person. Others are just more boring; because I suppose they are less able to express themselves in words then they are capable of through action. (so why do they blog?)
Lalalala; I really don't know what to say.
But I am relunctant to send this entry; because I know what awaits me at the other end is RS-proposal-filling-in.
My torturous french lessons are taking their toll on me. I can no longer understand french as well; it really depresses me when my friends say they can understand every word the teacher is saying when I can only pick out bits and pieces of the conversation. I am ready to murder unproductive debate for the sacrifices I am making for it. I simply do not care now. I am going to finalise the lousy debate days and MOVE MYSELF BACK TO MY ORIGINAL CLASS so I can once again LOVE french. That would mean abandoning the acquaintances (who are quite nice really) I made; but it can't be helped.
In other news, french mid-year was disastrous. XD. Ya think. And my french vocabulary has taken a permanent holiday. I am a empty UN-FRENCH shell of a person.
Whatever.
More stuff; personal poetry on blogs make me puke. (If you haven't realised, I have thrown tact and decorum to the winds. Some people do it ALL THE TIME. Presently I'm just exhausted). I don't mind quoted poetry; because they're usually gorgeous and they're fun to read; but personal poetry is often of a mediocre standard and is definitely a gimmick to lure commentators.
Except maybe sometimes, they can be quite good. So you should post only when you are sure. Or when you have a really big ego and really thick skin.
Someday I am going to print out all my blog entries and compile them into the diary I always wanted but never owned except as scraps of dated writing in a thousand and one notebooks of varying thicknesses and exquisitness of design. Printing them out would actually be a monumental (but not monumental enough as yet) task that would take a LOT of copying and pasting. I would probably pay someone to do it.
Money seems to be more of an issue now. A while back, I was thinking of ways to solve our class fund woes by means of doubling the current amount through investment or sale of random lost-in-our-classroom items to other classes. Too bad there are no risk-free and easy to comprehend investment ventures open to students.
Another thing. I sort of realised that, if I had taken my gift for drawing seriously when I was younger and had actually gone for proper and regular art lessons or at least had attempted proper pieces more regularly, I would be more proficient in art than I am now. In case you're wondering, things I cannot do include handling watercolours and drawing human bodies and features. Sketching would be okay; with this model in front of you you cannot go wrong. Why am I worrying actually? I'm not even picking art as a career. But it annoys me that I didn't properly develop whatever potential I had; and whatever art I do now boils down to doodling from boredom and random decoration of the board/designing for my class/CCA/extra stuff. Because hello, I had something that was my own and I neglected it. Which isn't to say that it's died inside me; but it's withered due to lack of attention and presumed insignificance. I'm glad I'm not one of those fanatical persons who absolutely cannot abide waste or I would be plummeting off a cliff right now.
I must tell you here to reserve whatever opinions you have reading what I write to yourself. So obviously I will never have known they existed. Which is what everyone always does; but this is just to make sure.
The weather has been so plinky lately. It comprises intermittent showers that come down fast and furious and hot, humid and suffocating intervals of mosquito heaven. I have been turning to air-conditioning far more often than I usually do. With all the discomfort; I am ready to wash my hands of global warming, but obviously we can't, because it is everyone's problem etc. etc. environmentalist propoganda (that really is real for a change except maybe a tad exaggerated at times).
Okay, I am going to END this entry because I really *oh I just saw another pukalicious nick* want to retreat into air-conditioning but can't do that until I wrap up all the stuff I have to do on the com.
Tact fact of the blog entry
I am having trouble coming up with one. Hmmm...
Never condemn someone's work outrightly, even if it would make perfect compost material. Start with compliments and then get to the nitty gritty with a really subtle: But I think you could still improve it a teensy bit. How about deleting all the text you have on this page and replacing it with a giant no entry sign. The chili red would go well with your flourescent fuchsia. Or something along those lines.
I do try to do this (like during ****). It sounds very false and insincere to my ears, but maybe it works. At least it makes it clear that you don't hate the person; just their work.
3 May, Mon
Updating during recess...
It's pretty weird; I just realised that for the whole month of March, I only updated about twice. Well, I'm sort of making up for that right now. Also because I care more for blogging now.
Urgh, prsently I'm so prone to mood swings.
Actually, this is starting to turn out like one of those whiny blog entries that I hate to read. Maybe I should collect my wits and emotions into something that makes sense and doesn't tick people off. So...
Until a thousand years later; good bye.
Waiiit.
I HAVE TO VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT.
Okay, feel a tad better now.
And in case you were wondering, no, I didn't copy-paste the above. See youu.
1 May, Saturday
It is too bad that the quality 'fickle' was never much on my mind, because then my brain would have bothered to store more synonyms for it.
So now I have to rely on thesaurus dot com. And um, a few that are easier to remember/more suitable: inconstant, irresolute, changeable, variable, mercurial (a tad off though). This excludes the couple that my limited vocabulary doesn't recognise. Does anyone know what 'lubricious' means? Oh, I forgot I didn't have a tagboard.
On to my substantive (urgh, debate). I am convinced that if I switched to livejournal, my entries would be a) more substantial, b) more fun (because people will actually comment), c) more me, d) more structured (because right now you can't see all the paragraphing despite my taking the trouble to everything as the textbox is so darn tiny and e) etc. more frequent maybe?
Insert: Argh, I have so much to do. Argh. I am not doing them. Or it. 'It' was reflex.
I really have nothing to do. *Riiight, wait whatever - you won't know the mental processes that were flashing across my mind when I typed these words. My blogging is fraught with fillers (esp. those that don't make sense) now. It is a sign of how my standards have languished. I am also using in appropriate descriptions. Honestly.*
The people who are supposed to log on to tell me stuff; because I needed to ask them stuff are, obviously, not on.
Perhaps you've guessed (correctly) that I'm blogging now because I read others' blogs.
ANYWAY, I really have nothing more to say. Actually I do, but it will never (wait, I'm 'lubricious' remember?) find its way here. Tactless as I may sometimes be, I do worry about what I type ETC. ETC. I have no desire to elaborate anymore.
If you're reading is (obviously), do I sound like me right now?
It just occurred that admitting that one is very FICKLE is simply establishing an excuse for changing your mind often; possibly a very irresponsible thing to do. But since I only apply to inconsequential issues like where I blog and my sentiments about random issues that will probably alter (the sentiments, not the issues. I have to find a way to avoid these grammatical ambiguities) anyway, it shouldn't really matter.
I think I have gone on for quite long enough. I have a half hour left (in theory) left to finish my assignments.
I remember a time when the scroll bar thingy of my entry window was a slice instead of a chunk.
What else? Ponder, ponder.
Oh yeah. Um, I watched Win a date with Tad Hamilton today. My first movie since LOTR Return of the King. (Big Fish doesn't count; it was horrible and also a Tribune outing). Unabashedly, I admit that it was totally adorable and entertaining. Not a film with deep, overarching themes but one with scenes that will stick in your mind. Hey, I go in for light, fluffy chick flicks and as no-brainer as they are, they are a great way to pass the time, provided they are well-executed and that there is chemistry between the cast. Will conclude (I wouldn't really say bimbotic, although it might appear so. The topic of romantic comedies *or whatever; I am no film-buff* and their appeal actually is a rather worthy one; provided the time isn't spent contemplating the appearance of the cast.) gushing.
I think I should go. Like now.
So FINALLY: Tact fact of the blog entry *I can't really put an adjectival whatever (why am I trying to be a grammatical prude when I can't even remember my grammar labels and when it doesn't accomplish anything) when my blogging is rather unpredictable though more frequent than most*
It is not very flattering to begin with 'Hi! Just dropped in after a long absence' or 'Hey, haven't been here in a while' or 'Wow, it's been ten long years since I've visited' when tagging on a blog.
This is a minor minor thingy but it's tact, perhaps the only kind of stuff I notice but nevermind. Homework now.
Apr 29, Thur
I am getting an obligatory blog over with.
You know what was the nicest thing about getting into CAP? It was when I did that ridculously extra thing in class which was to wave the notice at xinhui (who gave me one of her dazzling smiles), nicole and then at cheryl halfway across the classroom who didn't register until mingwei had to blurt it out REALLY loud so even ms han started asking me questions. And that was before she (mingwei, not ms han) asked the class to applaud while I wanted to crawl under the table.
That was the nicest thing. Knowing how happy my friends were for me, because they knew how much it meant to me. That's probably the best thing about knowing I got into CAP.
I know this will make many people annoyed, but I really have to say it. I'm not really happy about getting it anymore.
When I stumbled across that looooong-awaited notice on my desk and re-read it 3 times to make sure I wasn't mistaken, I was happy for all of 2 seconds. And then far happier with my friends' congratulations (:DDDDD), and now I'm just feeling morose and miserable.
I'm supposed to be happy. But I honestly feel I don't deserve it; it's a fluke; I'm not interested; I should still go through with it though, and I'm sad that some people I wanted to get in didn't, and other stuff.
And I wish I had just have put in more effort and forced ms chia to send out my portfolio so I could have gotten in last year and saved myself a term of agony and today's annoyance.
Why am I annoyed?
But I'll just go through with it. Honestly, it was one of my *life's* goals since P5 writing camp. Of course, I've right now totally revamped my priorities but it was still an ambition. Now I can say I was in cap, so I can NOT bother about it anymore. That's one thing off my mind, and one regret I don't have to live with.
Although HONESTLY, parallel-universely speaking, I can cope with anything. And anyone can get into CAP. (this will make many people angry again. See? I learnt the gift of tact, or at least I can predict responses. I still can't resist though, but I put disclaimers)
I feel empty. Ugh.
One consolation though. At least Amanda's going to be a counsellor, so I have someone to pummel there, and if I'm seriously unhappy, I can take it out on her. Xb *I am TRYING to grin*.
Except when I finally told her just now (was no longer in the mood to carry out any lame joke), she totally didn't reply immediately. Urggggh. THANKS amanda.
I'm acting very stupid now right? This blog entry must read like a load of pretentious and self-centered rubbish. A reflection of my inner self. Oooh. *eww, that is so ugh.*
I don't expect you to understand half of my ramblings. Fully.
But you always knew I was a really fickle and ridiculous person.
And I bet I'll be singing a different tune after cap.
By the way, isn't it gorgeous? CAP is in the last week of june, which completely clashes with french immersion training schedule. Which means I'm in trouble. A lot of, actually.
If I have to give up one, guess which one it'll be.
I'ld better notify the T.I.C. quickly to make sure.
Yay, I have so many committments.
Productiveness makes me happy.
Doubt doesn't. It never did.
Oh, and did I mention that self-doubt is my specialty?
To the twins, I have a very HIGH self-esteem. Honest.
This is an everlasting blog entry to which I'm going to put a stop NOW. See ya.
April 29, Thur
This is a blog entry for cheryl. Xbbbb. Because she said that I should at least update a line so she'll have something different to look at. So okay, except knowing me, it's going to be more than a dozen lines.
*** is stupid. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but it's like an arch; anyone can pass through it. Besides, I lost my interest in architecture long ago.
Siiiide note: The shadows under my eyes haven't disappeared. It makes me very sad. I have been sleeping early (a very hard thing to do) for more than two weeks. If anything, they're getting darker. Ugh. It annoys me, it does. *Haha, I'm deliberately speaking in an *ish tone*.
One day I might post a blog entry exposing the subtle hints in a few of my more common expressions. But not today.
French is starting to make me sick *that's a pretty strong expression; I'm sad to use it*. My teacher is so condescending at times, and I don't really like studying with boys, and the girl I sit with is unimaginative, partially anti-social, not any good in discussions (which are essential to french) and all around boring. I know I have these expectations: that even if you're NOT sure, you give an answer, so that it seems like you're contributing, and that you CARE, and it sparks a discussion that will lead to SOMETHING. She just shrugs. And shrugs again. And that, as you can guess, is totally annoying and exasperating. Hopefully the debate days will be changed and I can go back to 3E.
Incidentally, I'm getting just the teensiest bit bored with debate. It's all prepping and then structuring your argument. The fun element? I'm still looking for it.
The twins and I were discussing primary schools. UGH. I am completely loyal to Nanyang, whatever you might say. I feel like saying a pox on RGP. Oh, I said it, sort of. Xbbbb, no offence intended.
Ugh. Seriously, the arch is so high, you don't even have to bend. Bleggggh.
Oh well, at least I can check that expectation that I marked on my *HAHA GOAL SHEET - right sorry. je suis folle*
so very very long ago.
BLINK. ugh. going NOW. There, hope you're happy cheryl.
OH NO. SHE just started a convos. urrrrgh, this wasn't supposed to happen. Goingggg!
Postscript: HAHA it wasn't about the arch. Okay, but whatever.
Apr 21, Wednesday
I refuse let anything discourage me.
I refuse to grow up and become a boring clerk/lousy executive in a company who can only process, not create. Obey orders, not give any.
Whatever occupation I take on, it has to be a determining one. It has to have consequence (and please don't launch into the lecture on how every occupation is meaningful. I KNOW that.)
I refuse to let my marks get to me.
I refuse to let RP get to me.
I will conform to their expectations (and mine on my SCIENCE marks), but I will not compromise on myself.
I will work towards becoming a more science-y person since I PICKED THIS STREAM.
I refuse to believe that trying my best will not get me anywhere.
I refuse to let other people's marks get to me.
I refuse to stop being so competitive. But I will temper it, before it kills me.
I refuse to accept that the world works this way. I will make it work my way, or at least adjust my WAY until I can create that illusion.
I must make the world work for me.
I must learn that not everything matters.
I can have my cake and eat it.
If my heart refuses to open, I have to tear it open. And I will make sure my mind remains open, and continues to open.
I will find the properly-sized lense from which I should view the world from.
I will watch everything I say to people from now.
I will work to becoming an all around non-offending person. But that is honestly difficult, to be non-offending, and still consequential.
I refuse to lose my character.
I will now go and study for maths such that the return of the paper will not drive me to suicide.
And I'll do well in the sciences if it kills me. It probably will.
20 Apr, Tuesday
A lot of people have been telling me how tactless I am. Paraphrases because I can't really remember them exactly: I have considerable (okay, enough to get by) IQ, but she doesn't know what -- did to my EQ. And another: I must be one of those people born without any EQ at all. Xb
I don't deny that I can be really blunt and callous, but that has been decreasing over the years, although the past few days have sort of proven their points. However, quite honestly, when I realise I have hurt someone (and I'm unable to realise it in the process of, only in the product), I am completely mortified, and I am repentant. I really am apologetic, and part of me refuses to believe that I acted so badly to that person. It is always (okay, usually, because I can say cutting things to people who REALLY make me mad and honestly deserve them) unintentional and unconcious. You can't think I hurt people for the fun of it.
I've been meaning to say this for a long time, maybe I have, but then I'll just say it again. I have really amazing friends. They are very, very tolerant. And when I go on an offending spree like now, or even TALK about them in my blog and they KNOW it, they don't take offense. And then they come and talk to me about it and teach me to be more kind and tactful. Which is really sweet of them, considering they could have just stalked off in a huff and refused to talk to me ever again.
Which is what I keep professing that I can't stand people doing: pretending that people shouldn't even take offence when it so logically isn't as bad as they make it. That is a blind and ignorant statement, because people are sensitive, some more than others, and there is always a limit and it's called EMPATHY.
So this is just a blog entry (which I'm going to end soon) about how I sometimes incur the wrath of others through my callousness, ignorance and blatant arrogance. And while I don't seem to care, I really really do. So if I've ever seemed overly harsh or unkind, demanding or completely hateful, I probably don't actually feel that way, I'm just sometimes blind to people's emotions.
I bet if I were me watching me from the side, I would be recoiling in horror and I might hate me too.
Yep, I guess that's about the end. This wasn't entirely well-written, but I did say what I wanted to. :) I hope it the message arrives in the way I meant it to too.
Sidenote: I got into French Immersion. :) I couldn't stop grinning for all of 2 minutes (I told Xin Hui 2 seconds) when I found out during class, but had to squash it down because it was embarrassing.
And just for the record:
Amanda's fasted MSN response time every - close to instantaneous:
Me: I got in.
Amanda: rock on.
Me: French immersion lah. Xbbbbbbbbbbbbb
14 Apri, Wednesday
Je n'avait pas y ecriter pendant longtemps. J'étais très occupè, donc, ce n'est pas ma faut.
J'écrite ici en francais. Il y a beaucoup de personnes qui ne comprennent pas francais. Ahahahaha. Mais, il y a aussi beaucoup de chose que je ne sais pas comment ca dire.
Je dois partir. Il y a une montagne de devoirs. Ahahaha (Je suis folle).
4 Apr, Sunday
The following is a disclaimer, more for myself to read than anyone else.
I know CAP results are out, I just don't know if I got in.
But I want to make it clear that, although I still hope to be accepted (totally), I don't much care anymore.
If you're wondering if I deserve to be, the answer is NO. I don't think I put in my all into the portfolio, I don't think I tried hard enough, I just wanted it, that's all.
Although part of the reason I didn't give my all was because I didn't know how to. And that's what CAP (to me) is for.
ANYWAY, my confidence and everything else totally suffered a beating last year, and it was worse than usual, because of the circumstances. I was labouring under the delusion that 'less is more' anyhow. BUT now I totally agree that whatever I submitted showed a total disinterest and lack of effort, so the teachers' actions were really justified.
This year, however, I don't know. What I do know is that whatever the outcome, my mind is sure to find a logical explanation for it. So don't worry about me, I can tide through anything.
School life is so dreary, I need amazing occurences like CAP and PESA to break the monotony. I HOPE I get them.
I will say here that if I actually get into CAP, it will be nothing short of a miracle. And everyone knows miracles don't happen. Usually. At least not to me. Not to those who don't deserve it. Not really.
I will prepare myself for the WORST-CASE SCENARIO. I will steel myself against disappointment. And if I am indeed selected, I will be pleasantly surprised. (Actually I will be ecstatic and jubilant and explode happiness on anyone within a 10m radius).
Amanda was cruel (fig.) to tell me on Sat night. At 12? Now I have to labour through Sunday AND possibly Monday *or possibly till the end of time* wondering. With hope and pessimism raging a civil war inside my mind. How am I supposed to do my French CA? I ask you.
Except now my spirits have calmed somewhat, and it doesn't really matter anymore. I knew that a long time ago, I know it NOW.
Failure to get into CAP doesn't say anything. It just says that perhaps I'm not good enough for that now, (or whatever). In the future, my writing will be more matured (the portfolio, on reflection, was a highly-disgusting piece of work), and I will have direction
Curiously, I don't have interest in creative writing anymore. I find words a bother, I feel tired of them, I won't even exert myself to a piece of imagery. That's the word. Exert. Some people DON'T even have to do that. And since I seem to have to, perhaps writing is not NATURAL for me. Okay whatever.
Anyway, whatever it is, I won't care. At all. I will be happy for those who were accepted, and even if I'm not, it doesn't matter. Not a twig.
And here I end off, that come June, a group of talented and passionate individuals will come together to satisfy their thirst for knowledge and embrace the arts, fulfilling their passion for writing as they are swept up in a 5-day (I think) marathon of words, thought, arts and culture. Their minds will be challenged, they will bond with their group, they will come away having benefited greatly, the fire of their desire for expression roaring , ideas pin-wheeling in their minds and the fingertips quivering to begin. And I will not be one of them.
3 April, Saturday
I need a new layout.
Anyway, I'm blogging just to waste time. My saturday morning has been, thus far, extremely relaxing. I have nothing on the agenda until 3. Perhaps I should begin my bio newsletter.
However, I have been having this 'brain-depleted-of-oxygen' feeling. I feel dizzy when I walk. It usually goes away after a while. Hopefully soon.
I was going to say that I don't understand some people. The only reasons why I don't understand people usually are because they're not like me (or have my priorities at the very least), and because they're not like other people (2-dimensional other people). Or perhaps they're just completely perplexing.
Your sense of humour baffles me. I have no idea what amusement could be gleaned from playing pranks on other people. Obviously, it is your hobby, and your well, in my humble opinion, cheap, thrill. It is what you devote time and energy to. It is what you dance around on the streets (100% literally) and attract attention to yourself for. And I know I've made it very clear that I don't think it's fun. I appreciate your putting me in the know, that was really nice, and I stayed out of the way and didn't let out any cats, but I didn't participate at all. And I think you know by now not to really play pranks on me, because I'm not amused. And it's not because I don't have a sense of humour, but because I find it completely ridiculous, and besides, your boisterous *gloating-in-a-way* and triumph gets on my nerves. Plus it's NOT fun to play with people's emotions.
Your diva lifestyles are admired by many people. But not one emulates it. Some people have looked past, through or around it. I handle it, because you're my friends and you're really nice people. A nice which I don't pretend to understand, which is sometimes difficult to find, but which really helps sometimes, and is truly 'nice'.
Only, I think you should respect people more. And you are as transparent as mud. And you two-time so much I think it's a second nature. And because you do it, you think everyone does. And you really should relax. The world isn't a viper-pit.
I don't know if you know who I'm talking about, it sounds obvious, especially to the people to whom it's addressed. But really, in the end, it doesn't matter, because the most important person to know this is myself.
And don't be mad with me. It's my blatantly honest opinion. And I didn't even say half I wanted to. And my brain is still depleted of oxygen. I can't think properly.
Incidentally, I should be nicer to her. I am, really, most of the time. Except in certain moments where I had to lash out. And when I do it's painful, and possibly, unforgettable, in a bad way. And I should stop myself doing that. Because she's really a great person most of the time. And I've known her for a while, so I should be able to tolerate her better. She doesn't seem to have anyone else who does that who has known her longer than I have. And she's helped me, on many occasions.
Okay, enough of this. I am going to get some fresh air. And then start on homework. And studying for french.
Mar 28, Sunday
Reading some people's blogs makes me want to blog. Isn't that so nice? Wait I'll make a short and uncomprehensive list:
Reading some people's blogs makes me:
1)want to blog (as shown above, in this line and below)
2) sad about myself and my life(but not jealous of them, I'm too self-assured to be jealous)
3) incredibly amused
4) sad for them
5) want to comment (but I never do. right now the only place I ever comment is amanda's I suppose; and on people's layouts)
Will leave off the list now. Last day of e-learning and I don't have a humongous pile of homework left. I deserve a medal really; considering two days were wasted on my speech. If they weren't, I would have almost completed everything by now. I am stumped on my chinese xiao lian bi, I am wondering if I should write it out in english and translate it. However, that wouldn't be good for my chinese would it? So then.
It's such a rotten topic. You can say so much. If you have the ability. Eeesh.
Oh, another list.
When you meet a wall, you can:
1) Stop, sit, rot.
2) Stop, sit, grow flowers on the wall and settle.
3) Backtrack and find a way around it.
4) Climb over it.
And I just realised you could
5) Make the wall move.
Okay, back to stuff.
Stuff which I don't want to blog about anymore. I realised one thing. My blog entries are getting shorter and shorter. Soon they will disappear altogether. I don't know why. Does it matter? I could do a study (kicks and slams RS group. And doesn't care what they think). Studies are interesting. They are scientific. They provide explanations, dissipate doubts and are mildly satisfying. They are also time-consuming, and according to some people, ridiculous.
Skips topic.
See, my mind is wandering more and more. I just can't be bothered to see an entire argument through here. Because an overwhelming part of me questions the need for a point. And so you have a blog full of loose ends. Not very interesting to read at all. Or worth any time, I should say. Shee-igh.
I have deleted whatever I typed from here. There were too many embarrassing grammatical errors, and I've too little time to rectify them. I am developing an incredible dyslexic problem. Or maybe it's just thinking too quickly for my brain to handle. UMMMMM.
Mar 21, Sunday
Sometimes I feel like puking.
Like now for example.
Urrgh. I wish I could type proper english, and not have to constantly resort to coined words to express what I really feel. I have such a lousy grasp of the language. I feel like giving up language altogether. Is there any point? I'm so sure you can effectively convey messages just by using random sounds. And actions.
Ignore me, I'm raving *idiotically*.
Seriously, I'm just rambling on. Because I have to talk to someone. I can't think how interesting it would be to read this. If I were you, I would have closed the window upon glancing at the first line.
The problem with E-learning is that it is inflexible. Highly so. Take bio for example. I am irritated with it. And I've submitted it already.
The VERY first question in part b. There are a gazillion possible answers. Especially if you want to be grammatical or specific. I don't think everyone's finished with it, so I'm not posting all the answers here in case something happens *honestly* but first thing I'll do when I get to school tomorrow is call Ms Tan and politely point out the inconsistencies.
The PE stuff is a barely-concealed attempt to get us to exercise. I wouldn't mind really, I would do the run on a treadmill, perch a book on top of the readings and start running. I just have to find TIME to do it. sheesh. It is very true that since I graduated from pri school I have exercised less than before. At least I feel it is so. Actually, I have started hating exercise more, possible due the fact that we have quite a gruelling *for girls, taking into context everything else* PE curriculum. Okay, I am bored out of my wits. I just think I should stop feeling so lazy and get my attitude towards exercise in shape.
BTW, our PE curriculum also has a LOT on theory. We know all about calculating your heart rate, which stretches do what, why it's important to stretch, how to keep healthy etc. etc.
2.4 is looming up in April. *yay*
I am pointlessly wasting time. I am getting a move on. Like now.
Mar 20, Saturday
I have decided never to finish the last blog entry. Actually, I knew I wouldn't the moment I sent it. It is too pointless. But if you really need details to satisfy you, simply head down to jin rou's blog . There is an extremely wordy entry there, albeit in her POV of course.
This year, I like my class. Although that might be because of just a teensy-bit by default *if the above was grammatical*, as I couldn't imagine myself liking the other classes better. And that could be because I like my class. Cycle of logic. Because actually, my class has all (okay most) of the people I can really talk to, i.e. good friends in common lingo *ewww I hate that word, but will insert it for variety*, and did you realise the uncommon scarcity of NY people in it? Not that we were many to begin with, but there's just Ming Wei, Charissa and I. Ming Wei I don't know too well, charissa is a sweet person. :)
BTW, I realised I can't abide nice people. They get on my nerves in just 5 minutes, sometimes 3. Especially nice girls, because I have less patience with females, because I'm female. I wonder who can actually stand them, perhaps other nice people, because they have to stick together. Or those whose natures are predominantly nice. *Oh, I'm not going to define *nice* for you here. It's pretty abstract, and obvious. And that's not an oxymoron* And there seems to be no one I can have as a roommate for very long, without losing my temper at. I say this from 3 experiences where we had to have roommates. Excepting Amanda and Sarah, because they were fun (or maybe not 100% saccharine?) and after all, it was a perfect trip. But if you get me away from a nice person, I am able to appreciate the beauty of their natures, and everything is back to normal. Provided I don't have to deal with them 24/7. I don't know why I'm typing out this dribble. I could, from here, launch off into a lot, but predictably, you know I won't.
Anyway, I'm still aware of how egocentric my blog is. It doesn't help that I don't talk about anything beyond MYSELF here. It is sad. Pathetic. I hardly even mention my friends, even. But I shall continue this existence. Because it is what I like to do (on my blog).
I have decided against getting a livejournal. I already have an account there, yes, and would have used it to comment on other livejournals if I had a) a userpic and b) wanted to expose my livejournal username to others. But I have decided against using my livejournal, simply because I have lost interest I guess. Although I still think about how easy it would be, not really having to bother about layouts, and your blogging all nicely formatted WITH comments function.
Oh, my blogging is disjointed. Please apply your functional grammar skills here >:D Is it spoken, written, or written to be spoken? Please answer when you see me online, then I will know you have read this. I don't know the answer myself, and really do, so TELL ME.
I'm going to be SO busy next week. That's why I love the holidays, I have an excuse to cancel all school events except the most important because it is a holiday.
I am now branching off, once again, into another topic. It must be amusing watching my words, like one of those hairy bodyless foxes attached to a whirring motor ball, gyrating about in random motion. *eeww, what failed imagery. I don't even know what those toys are called. They Do exist btw* what was I going to say? Some people's blogs endlessly amuse me. One day I will submit them to the BLOG-DISSECTOR (you-know-who), and watch them get ripped apart. I wonder how you spell dis(s)ect. Anyway yeah, and the fact that I know, or once knew those people is scary. Sometimes I really want to go talk to them, drop a line on their blogs, but then this part of me, the one that sprang to life in Sec school tells me it's better not to interfere.
I actually had an interesting list to make, post here. But then I decided it was too personal, even for confidential little me. It's more amusing actually, but I shall scribble it somewhere else.
I suppose I should begin on my homework. Rather shocking, seeing that it's almost eleven. I want *or wish rather* to finish all my school hw by TODAY so I can begin on e-learning seeing as next week will be a whirl of activity despite the fact that it's supposed to be e-learning *which in my opinion should properly be E-learning*
I am going now. *waves fingers*
Mar 17, Wednesday
Obligatory blog about Malaysia trip. Argh. I actually put it off long enough; the com I usually use has connection problems, and I'm typing this out on the oldest one available, since the laptop is ish and the other one too. Okay? Why am I saying all this?
I have loads to say, but not really nitty gritty details. If anyone should actually ask me how it was, I would say TOUGH. And I know tough. I have been tough. This is my *yay* third trip to date away from parents. Independence is exhilarating *provided I have money and all that*. Reverting back to subject...
The only points worth mentioning are the visit to an indigenous culture, the walk into the mangroves and looking at fireflies.
Argh, wasting time. And as my homework list stretches to infinity, I will end here, very abruptly, and continue another time. Perhaps when I'm fifty. ahah.
8 Mar, Monday
Sometimes I wish I had a dysfunctional family. Perhaps I don't know how bad one is, but if I did, I'ld be able to blame many things on it. Like why I'm sometimes out of temper, or why I still haven't made my IC a working week past the deadline (committing an offence under the National Regulation thingy thing gtg), or why I'm sitting here wasting time when I have effectively one and a half hours to study for my bio test. But I need to vent my spleen.
Although it's sort of unfair, because I do owe my family a lot, especially my mother, who used to be a good mother (but that's just the angst-ridden teenage me talking).
I am so irritated. I don't show it, but I really really really am. And that's why I'm here. ARGH. I hate it when things don't go according to plan. But there is absolutely no use whinging about it, so I should just relax and accept them and find A WAY TO CLIMB OVER THE WALL. That's it. It actually is inspirational. This way I think that my having to put in extra effort isn't really a failure, but a success. And that's optimism-at-work. Ta.
Feb 27, Friday
I have to blog. Totally. Although this is pretty squeezed in BECAUSE I have FOUR tests next week.
But I would just like to say that I am in the process of compiling a list of stuff to do when I am retired, when I am RETIRED because I will never have time otherwise. Although by then it will be too late, so I am just going to say when I am at LEISURE, which means not having any out-standing books to read or fancies to satisfy. Just plainly, plainly bored.
I would begin on the list here but I haven't time to sit and think, plus I wouldn't do it justice at all in a hurry. I can tell you that one of the things would be to go online and read through the ENTIRE CHUNK OF WEBPAGES I found on English and American History while researching the Glorious Revolution, and finish my Debaterresource file, these among a GAZILLION other things. The latter bit shows just how low debate is on my list of priorities. Xb. But honestly? It's like my second CCA, and tribune is so much cooler.
I need to find a life. And I would write that for my qi shi, except it simply reeks cliché. And I am wasting time. I should be doing HOMEWORKKK.
Okay, prioritising ... going NOW. *poof*
*poof* reappears. ack. I just wanted to say argh the topic I hate studying most for is MATH. And this includes Chinese with its extensive list of ci huis that you have to memorise and forget immediately after (or perhaps before) the test despite the fact that you shouldn't because that's the whole point of LEARNING. It's maths because so many factors are involved for you to do well, and there's carelessness, and if you have never seen the questions before and cannot apply your prior knowledge it doesn't matter how much practice you had before hand, although it might help. I am just paranoid, because I have been unable to score full marks for maths since primary TWO (or maybe three) and how pathetic is that? And if you're wondering about the groans punctuating the various sentences above it is because I have to go now. See? very bad punctuation and structure.
bye. *poof*
Feb 18, Wednesday
Oh man, I know myself so well. I totally do. My goodness, even I surprise myself sometimes. Sorry, cannot stop raving, it is SO AMAZING. For what made me gurgle so much, scroll all the way down to the V first entry on VTTF. Gurglegurglegurgle.
Anyway, more randomness...
I am SUCH an ego-tripper. *and I will KILL you if you even thought for a second that I meant it in the pseudo-creative-writing-newsletter-pineapple-darlingys kind of way* - I hope you got that, was using semi-code. Why? Because the 'being on the safe-side' ness of some people gets to me. ANYWAY, I just wanted to say that this layout is SO appropriate, I am unforgivably big-headed. I don't know how many agree, but since I know myself so well, undoubtedly I AM.
Oh no, must type fast. gtg soon.
More randomness...people should BLOG more. Totally. If you have a blog, you should update often. That is the proper thing to do. Update often so that the people who visit will actually get to READ something fresh and will not have to resort to poring over past mouldy entries for stuff they missed out in the inevitable skimming that results in the *exciting* first reading. Oh, also maybe your friends/profile/whatever else pages, if any. NOTE, this only applies to remotely interesting blogs. TRUST ME, you'll know if your blog is mouldy, uninteresting, unattractive except to the same miserable people who link you.
^TOP^ SEE SEE? Ego-tripping!!! That was horrible. Sorry I didn't mean pathetic, I meant like, *of different interests* and stuff. I won't backspace. I want to be able to experience the horrible me when I'm old(er) and wise(r)
Last random post. Argh, no time. Um, people should ask me to blog more. Although it is highly unlikely that I will listen, it will be very flattering and will boost my already enormous ego.
Forgot what I wanted to say. So...
undercutting whatever I was blibbering on about just now, I am actually very insecure. Now that I have sufficiently confused/annoyed anyone who's reading this, will go to watch A13/finish my jianbao.
Time-wasting is painfully, um painfully ... *ack* fun.
No, actually, you just can't help it.
Feb 15, Saturday. Birthday!
I have NO idea why I'm blogging about my birthday. I am getting fluffier by the day. Or whatever.
I was pretty delighted on Sat (when I unwrapped my presents). Thanks to Xin Hui, and I think I can use it as a wallet, for when I lose all that I have now. I like the hearts; they aren't pink. :b I love the effect of warm colours on grey. And I love netting.
However, the best present of all was this drop-dead gorgeous pencil case from my mother's friend. It's orange. Wait, I can't believe I am describing objects. It's just like telling people what I bought when I went shopping. Ewww. But I can't help this. They're my presents, and they are BEAUTIFUL. I loooove beautiful things. So anyway, it's drop-dead gorgeous, and you can tell it's really expensive because it has a printed lining on the inside, and I really wish I could bring it to school to show everyone but I don't want to lose it. Maybe when I get hosted/switch to livejournal I'll post a pic of it on my blog. :b. What a great idea!
Then today I was pretty upset, because no one wished me happy birthday. Although since I don't really remember peoples' birthdays, I can't expect them to remember mine. Except my family, I remember my family's. Most of the time. Actually, I never used to mind. But it's nice having people say happy birthday to you! But seriously. Hello, it's not like I have SOME obscure birthday. My birthday is the day Singapore fell *not a very happy day in history, but helloo?* It's not like it's some insignificant date in the middle of the month, it's Total Defence Day, it's right after Valentine's Day, it's in the gorgeous month that only has 29 days every four years and passes SUPER quickly. :b So I don't see why you can't remember it. It is NOT difficult to remember. At all.
I feel like stomping on Amanda. She remembered Brandon Boyd's birthday and forgot mine *so she denies*. And then she decides to add mine to her nick. IN BRACKETS. Well thanks a bunch. That made me feel worse. And if I had a comments function, she would be commenting there to tell me how great a friend she really is. So I'm glad I don't.
Okay, it's my birthday. Should be happy. Am happy. See my smile? It's so big. :DDDD. Actually, typing smilies really does make me smile. :)
K, that's all, 'cept did you notice I changed my layout? Aubergine and mustard. I think it looks fine, although my sister was all ewww when she saw it, and she keeps calling the thing a TV. It's not a TV. It took me a minute to draw everything, and half an hour to code it. That's why I don't do many layouts now. It's kind of plain, but I need a change. It's also a b-day gifty thingy.
Oh well, if anyone wants to wish my happy birthday tomorrow, I'll still listen. :))))
Feb 14, Saturday StValentine's
Sometimes I get a bit confused. Sorry, did I say a bit? I meant a lot. *aaargh, wasting time. homeworkhomeworkhomework*. Sorry, had to let the inner me out.
I get confused by the world. Yay. K that's about all to say on this matter. Except that, I'm confused because things are never what they seem, and I can't tell if someone's acting genuinely, or if what they say is real, and when I ask someone else, I'm always influenced by their opinions, so I can't 100% trust them either (sorry that person) and thus I always have to judge for myself, which is horribly difficult. Luckily, it's only triviality, important things don't confuse me.
I am so lazy. Terribly so. I could do my homework immediately upon getting home but no, I don't. I leave all my homework till the last possible second, and then I do it. Up to that time, it's a nagging thought in my head, but I'm reassured by my conscience *which doesn't quite do its job sometimes* that I'm quite able to complete all of it, and nicely. Maybe it's because I can do my homework so quickly, albeit often with a lot of careless mistakes, esp. maths.
I'm kind of wasting time. K, more mindless dribble, a few more seconds.
I think my blog is boring. It is all self-centred gushing about life. Which might still be better than perfect-life-ness that only serves to irritated you, but still stupid. I should widen my perspectives and open the doors and windows of my mind. Like, through pictures and stuff. Do you notice how I never say...I went here bla today and did bla today etc.? Because there's hardly ever anything to say. *not totally true, but in a way, sort of*. Though ewwww, at least my blog's unique. And I need a new layout. Whatever. That is such old news.
Since I have to go edit our history skit script and stuff, I shall leave off here. Although I kind of suggest you don't ever come back, because my blog is simply not worth your wasting time over.
Actually, no blog ever is.
Negativity.
Feb 11, Wednesday
I have an idea(s) for userpics! Which means I might start using livejournal soon! Woot. *um, can't believe I just used that word*
Shortest blog entry ever! See ya!
btw, my (I)RS group, as usual, is screwed. Sigh.
Feb 8, Sunday
Second blog entry today. I'm blogging because I need to get this off my chest, it's distracting me from focusing on my chinese jianbao.
Just a head's up, I'm sort of in a bitter mood, and you know what happens, I start spitting poison in my blog, and I suggest you don't read on if you've a weak stomach.
Whatever. It isn't really that bad.
A amazingly cruel thing about high school society in america is that 'popular' people are allowed to publicly traumatise and put down their peers of a lower social heirachy. The amazing thing about that is that no one exhibits a grudge *obviously you bear it but you don't get back at the person*, and the victimiser somehow manages to retain his/her popular position despite her non-too leadershippy behaviour. This information I gather from reading books like PD and various tv shows.
This is not the case in sec school s'pore, although I think I know it is in primary school. And I totally have been on the receiving end, but never in the classroom. *This is another forgiven but not forgotten thingy that lives on in my mind*. It doesn't matter that what you are doing is completely humiliating to your subject of torment, or that you are exhibiting your most neanderthalic roots, because everyone else around you is too, it's called mob psychology, otherwise known as strength in numbers, otherwise known as POWER. And children can be cruel, there is no doubt about that. Sometimes, normally very kind and caring people morph into monsters that seek to gobble up stragglers from the group. I KNOW. I have seen these mobs in action, and have even been in one, when I was reaaaally reallly young so don't hold it against me. It was P2, and to this day I remember it, and I think I feel slightly sorry for it, although we were all young and thoughtless and mean and CRUEL. And then I have been on the receiving end, which is painful, but that was a long time after. And you wonder if the people who did this to you even remember it, or if they awoke from their dreamlike fit and never EVER suffer from remorse and regret. And you find that you don't care, because you know you were the better person in that case, and it doesn't matter because everyone's grown up and forgot all about it, or if you've not forgotten, you should have forgiven and moved on.
Although it's weird. From time to time I encounter repeats of such incidents, but very MILD, almost unrecognisable copies. Like, honestly, when you're asking someone for a favour, the first thing you say when starting that conversation is not: You walk like a fish. Seriously. I am hoping that you were only seeking to protect your frail ego at that critical period of time, as I thought you were, or I wouldn't even have tolerated you and proffered help. And some people are incapable of humility. I have decided that I will from now on not agree to perform favours unless that person asks me herself or I know that that person deserves it. Although it really shouldn't matter, because the kindness if on your side. But it's disgusting. No seriously, it is. Urk.
Some people care inordinately how other people perceive them. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell how shallow and superficial they are at one glance, and sometimes their nature varies with the company they keep. It's an uncomfortable life to lead, quite seriously, because *and this sounds VERy clichéd* your otherwise-sturdy-looking shell will collaspe at any given time and leave the truth of your frail and ugly nature exposed for all the world to see, unless you can grow up and learn to live without it.
End. Okay, was dribbling in a random manner. In a few days I will forget who I was even talking about...sorry wasn't talking about anyone, was talking about *this is for Mis Tan B. C. : )))* Homo sapiens in general, plus I am not perfect. At all. I'm a very selfish person. Completely so.
Feb 8, Sunday
I feel like starting on my livejournal. And I have reasons. So listen.
No. 1: It gives people a chance to comment on my entries, honestly, then I'ld have something more to do when visiting my blog than just reading and re-reading stuff that I typed and of course already know about. I have never gone on so long without a tagbox or comments function. It is so amazingly cool; I don't care what people think! Except of course ocassionally I still get comments from my friends in school and stuff, which is nice, but I don't really expect them. But actually, not having a comments function is pretty fun, it's like a one-way conversation although you know you're getting the message across and the people you're speaking to understand what you're saying. Since my blogging is pretty personal and ego-centric, I suppose it doesn't really matter either. Yes, I think my blog's very egocentric, I'm pretty sure EVERY single entry talks about myself, and I'm not saying that's good, I'm just stating a fact. Although a blog, after all, is an ONLINE diary. Okay, boring rubbish. switching now.
No. 2: Ever since I posted that rather cryptic clue as to the whereabouts of my to-be-livejournal, several people have already found it, and namely, the people who I would like to have reading my blog. That is convenient, because then I have the people I want to read my blog reading my blog, and censor out the rest. And heads up for the rest, I can totally start blogging there all the while blogging here ocassionally, and you'ld never know I was keeping a more private one. Anyhow, it honestly, honestly is very obvious. You'ld totally know it if you knew me. So don't ask me what it is either. And I can prove it, because people have figured it out the moment I posted *stats, wahah*. For those who already know, reminder again, keep it to yourselves. Yay, thanks.
I think that's all. The only things stopping me now are lack of a decent user pic and the fact that if I start posting, I will have ZERO friends. ZERO friends because no one I am particularly close to uses livejournal. But that's not really impt, because it's essentially a personal thing. Another thing would be my still possible wanting to get hosted, although I'm gradually losing interest in that because of all the hassle of doing so and creating a layout.
I am wasting my time, I ought to be studying for maths CA, although I have already partially done so. I am semi-confident, which is a sign that I will go do it on monday and find half the questions beyond my ability. I hope not though. It's weird that they're having a CA on topics we've already learnt last year; they shouldn't put too great a percentage on it, and I really hope they don't.
Last note before I sign off, YOUniverse was pretty cool. It will not be memorable as a play, not as a play that left an imprint on your opinions and outlook on life as a person, but it will be memorable for me because of the acting, especially since I know many of the people who were leading, and see them every day in their normal persons. They did an amazing job, I honestly think they should lobby for another production, because their ability deserves it :). Plus you should continually hone your skills. Last thingy, although it IS based on the film DPS, the script-writers did a commendable adaptation; while some of the funny lines/scenes were taken from the film, they developed a play that had it's own character and characters, it is not an off-the-screen adaptation, it's one with a degree of intelligence and a mind of its own, which is what adaptations should be. Another significant thing, the role of the teacher was somewhat reduced in the play, I'm not sure if it's screen-time, but her impact and message was somewhat lessened, but Kalpy made a really sophisticated and attention-grabbing job of it. Okay, I'm not a film critic, so don't throw tomatoes, and this isn't even a comprehensive one. But to those who didn't go to see it, I'm sorry, you really missed your friends in action : ))).
Feb 2, Monday
I want to die. Seriously. Kill me now everyone. I want to, and deserve to die. *tries not to duck under barrage of flying knives, anvils whatever* - please come up with more creative/ painless ways than this? Although honestly, I deserve to die a slow, painful and HORRIBLE death.
I have this habit, this awful awful awful, terrible. horrible. ghastly. UN-gorgeous habit of losing things. I honestly have. Here is my repertoire: One thousand dollars over digicam, a seiger waterbottle, countless OTHER waterbottles, wallet containing more than a hundred dollars, another wallet, and my pencil-case ALMOST twice and more that I THANKFULLY, or maybe not so, have forgotten.
It goes like this. I bring my stuff along with me, lalala, have fun at that place, rush home, realise I have left my [insert random VALUABLE object] there, majorly-freak out and suffer from a guilt attack for the rest of the year/ my life - have yet to find out.
If this carries on, I will be a walking bundle of nerves and the problem will STILL not get better because of I DON'T KNOW WHY.
Somehow, I was born, or have developed a bad short-term memory when it comes to taking care of my PERSONAL BELONGINGS. One day I am going to lose my passport/ waterbottle when travelling in India/ a desert and then REALLY die. I am REALLY careless. My parents say I just DON'T seem to care. I am irresponsible, absentminded, lackadaisical, whatever. You have NO IDEA how bad it is unless you've experienced it, and several times in a row. You waste LOADS of money, and collect TONS of psychological baggage.
This problem stems from primary school. It is not getting better. It is getting WORSE. I suffer from chronic lose-your-personal-belongistis. This is not a disease someone responsible and DECENT should suffer from. I have to find a CURE. Someone help me find a cure. Maybe I should call Tinkle Friends or some other helpline. Accccckkkkkkkkkkkk. Halllllp. *Disappears under stones*
PS/ Have you ever wondered why I don't have a handphone? This is part of the reason. Face it, if I don't have anything valuable, I won't have anything valuable to lose. Although it's sort of like running away from the problem and can only apply to certain things? SO it's NOT solution. Help me!!!!
Jan 29, Thursday
Yay I feel free. Although that technically isn't true,I still do because today I sent off *with CROSSED fingers* my CAP portfolio, and honestly honestly honestly? I really really really hope I get in. Really really. Reallyreally really.
I don't know my standard of writing. Seriously, it's difficult to judge. Somehow my poems *at least, because poetry is more common* seem to pale in comparison to the REALLY mature style of others. I haven't found my own yet, so perhaps you can't really blame me. And I do want to, that's what CAP is for. As for prose, not many people that I know of attempt it, so it's a bit dif. to compare.
And even though not getting in might be an enormous disappointment, I still had fun compiling the portfolio and listening to the comments *since they were all from my lovely friends and were glowing anyway*. Nat sent me a rather perceptive and interesting albeit LATE commentary, but I really appreciated her dissection of my topics - that is fantasy for prose and childhood experiences for poetry. I've never been able to think of that.
That's all, stopping now, because it'll be stupid to have a really long entry in case I don't get in, and that would be really painful to read anyway.
Now I'm OFF to do my commonwealth essay, of which the twins are dying. I have two plots completely mapped out, but I'm already pretty sure of which one I'm going to do, although if I have time I'ld still love to write the other one because it's so delicious and FLUFFY.
PS. I'm getting more and more ungrammatical. I had to edit this entry three times because of glaring grammar errors.
Jan 22, Thursday - Xinniankuaile
Hello everyone!!! I know I sound a bit insane. I think I'm *slightly only* high. Chinese New Year and a gorgeous five-day holiday from school will do that to you. Except I've been wasting it. GO me. :D
And then there's that lot of homework. But not worrying about it now. :DDDD. Haha, whatev.
ANYWAY, I was going to say that I really want to do a layout. Really really. I mean REALLY REALLY. But since I'm so lazy to go out and source for all those gorgeous fonts/brushes/html/ideas, I will if some kind soul does it all for me. *not in a million years, so totally*. Because honestly, I'ld just be clogging up my already clogged computer with things that I only use occasionally, then I feel guilty. Plus it's not like I'm aiming to be a web-site person anyway. Although I would still love to bury myself in the joy of layout-creating. It's this mood :D. It'll pass...soon.
Oh, and today, I went out *and against my better instincts*, got a livejournal account :DD. I'm not telling anyone my username though, and I don't have a userpic yet, because I've no idea how it should look like anyway. I might not even use the account, but I customized the look just in case. Right now I'm puzzling out how livejournal works, how come some free accounts get to alter their comments functions, and some don't. I don't. *p'raps you'd guessed*
But it shouldn't be THAT hard to figure out my username. Oh darn, why did I say that. I have a very pathetic imagination...my vocab is limited etc. etc. Okay, I don't know why I said this. Actually I think it's pretty obvious now. And no, it's NOT cirrus. I'm not that transparent. Although I admit I tried to get an account under that name, but predictably, it's already been booked. vateva *which seems to be my new catch-phrase of the new year * should write a book* except it seems really street-gutter-slang-person-ish so I try not to use it although I'm pretty sure I'll soon be compromising my principles for the sake of expression, and I have to credit amanda with first coming up with it, and in case you're wondering what it really means, it's just a more whatever-ish form of whatever. Because I need one :))) haha. that's what comes from overusage. Amazing, rather*
Okay, I'm being stupid and blogging when I have a mountain of homework. But honestly? I'm enjoying myself *minus nagging feeling*, and that's what matters I suppose. Oh, I feel like talking about more stuff :DDDD. I'm becoming a really MORE open person *despite being a really open person from the start, except there was no one to talk to* and I could tell anyone anything. really. I think. Except of course sometimes I have to consider the opposite party's feelings, so that sometimes gets in the way. :DDDD. And note to all the people who knew me before sec. school, I sometimes resent it when you judge me based on that (although most of the time it's complimentary, because honestly, when you've reached rock bottom, the only way you can go is up), but seriously? It's a pretty childish thing to do, although maybe some mindsets are too ingrained to change. But it's not actually important to me, because, loyal though I am to my pri. school, I suppose it's to the teachers. My better *not best, sorry* friends are either people who do not contact me now or those who I still know now, but whose importance, altough they still remain, have paled in comparison to those I've made in RG. I think I'm veering off topic ^^UUU. But before I return to talking about whatever it was in the first place, I'm going to make an admission, that, red letter day *almost*, I didn't go back to NY for Chinese New Year. And truth be told, I didn't really plan to. And the RG *let's have a holiday on NY's eve* didn't help either, because after OBS I have a thirst for sleeping early and then I really wanted to sleep in and hopefully devote the day to portfolio-compilation *although my piano teacher dropped in in the afternoon* so I didn't go. Besides, a gazillion of the people I asked said they wouldn't be returning, and finally, I'm not that attached to the new building, ugh. Except maybe the canteen. I haven't seen the canteen properly. And the library. If I'm even allowed in. I mean seriously. They don't even have a proper GARDEN. What kind of primary school is that? Okay, anyway, so I decided I can always visit my teachers on Teachers' Day. They shouldn't really mind :))). Plus, if you go less often, it might be nicer.
Back to topic. Um, oh yeah. Considering Art Outreach thingy for RS, except I'ld MUCH MUCH rather have it as just a community service thing. In fact, I'm rather sure that if they don't allow com service, I might not sign up for it. Still, it's a really attractive program, because you learn about art as a part of your curriculum *and not like art elective-ish* plus you get to do the really nice deed of spreading the value of art to impressionable young children :DDDD. Which is cool. Plus I always really wanted to time to devote to learning about fine arts and whatever, and this is my chance. And I'm tired of research and study, rather. Okay, that's just an option. I'ld still like to know what others are doing though, which is what I usually do at the start of every year, start enquiring into the projects of others for ideas of my own. I have a couple form sec 1/2 actually, but I'm too bored to list them out.
Okay, this is a reaaaally long blog entry. Irrelevant and pretty content-less too. Oh well, more rubbish for me to read when I'm ninety. *???* I still really want a layout, and time and energy to make it.
What else? Not much. Okay, more irrelevance. I'm amazed at anyone who's made it this far. You must be really bored. :D. Um...I love cities. Esp. breezy time cities where you feel all metropolitan and cosmpolitan and suave and sophisticated walking through, with the bright lights twinkling around you, and the light wind tugging at your hair and jacket, and this warm cosy feeling emanating from all the radiant shop displays and welcoming glass doors, yet you still enjoy strolling on the cobbled pavements outside, because of the natural air. Esp. if there's a beautiful river nearby, with gorgeous architecture along its banks, so when you just turn into a side street, you find yourself soon walking along this great shining body of a water reflecting all those lights, and anytime you feel like it, you can just stop by a cafe and people- watch. *too lazy to bother with accents now*. Yeah, kinda like that. And believe or not, you TOTALLY can get that in s'pore. Just go to the CBD and stroll along the s'pore river. It shouldn't be too long before, after you pass the OUB building and clark quay, you find yourself at the picturesque *yes* esplanade and fullerton hotel.
Oh, and I guess my tastes are versatile in the sense that I LOVE the above-described city, but also fall head over heels for natural places, like wide, sprawling, sparkling beaches of pristine white sand and crystal clear water over which hang the slender shadows of coconut trees. I ALSO love the mysterious beauty of a virgin forest sheltering under the cloud of an early morning fog etc. Which was why, if you think about it, I kinda wanted to be a nat geog. photographer. I haven't said much about ancient architecture and cities like venice or florence. I've never been to places like those, so I don't know if I'ld like them. Oh well. Anyway, I meant that I'm not like some people who MUST have the countryside, or others who CANNOT leave the convenience of an urban area. There really is beauty in both. Oh, but honestly? In the latter, the streets must be clean. Totally. All that should be allowed is a light sprinkling of flame-of-the-forest blossoms on the pavements, and even that, not too heavy. :D.
Last side-note before I finally give your eyes *and mind maybe* a rest: I kinda really hope I get into CAP. Although not so much now as proof of my writing skills *mumbles something inarticulate*, but rather because a gazillion and one people are applying for it. And, you get the picture. Is that a selfish reason? It totally seems to be, plus kinda childish and everything to. Very me. haha, I'm such an awful person. I sincerely hope the people who visit my blog are those *we don't judge our abilities by the standards of our bureaucracy* or those who just don't care, actually I know most of them are, but prob. there are those who don't declare themselves *something I used to bother about a long long time ago but have long since lost interest - haha, I'm growing up*. Yeah I guess. Except it honestly seems stupid. Oh, and CAP is really getting to be the bane of my life. It's like writing a novel with a deadline, except in this case you write a whole lot of different, decent pieces. And you ALWAYS think you can do better. And you WONDER if it's good enough. And despite all the encouragement and compliments your friends give, you SUSPECT that it's not the same thing as what the CAP evaluators *or even our stupid teachers in RG *sorry not holding back, too pooped** think. And there's this NAGGING feeling that you won't get a second chance if you goof this one up. Plus in the middle of all this you're STILL trying to find YOUR style and figure out if you really have THE ability *sure you have the interest/ passion but are you THE ONE*. And all the other feelings that plague you. And sometimes you get into a fit of bitterness where you feel like chucking stuff across the room. :D. I'm using a lot of CAPs. I never used to do that. It's pretty uncouth. But I'm too lazy to bold, plus, on a laptop, that's a risky thing to do. I suppose that's all. End sidenote I guess.
Thanks for being so patient :b. Blog entries could hardly be called literature, but for some reason or other, people read them, truckloads and busloads. All part of the atrophication of the minds of our young. Xb. *okay, unsuitable smiley, but what would you put?*
Jan 16, Friday
Ack. It's just like Japan all over again. Except this time instead of a gorgeous three weeks cruising an archipelago, it's a miserable (in terms of number of days***) 5 days. 5 days. seriously.
And I'm totally used to these 'work for your keep' things. Like that you have to wake up really early *I think it was around 5 or so in Jap also*, and perform duties *daily in Japan*, and then conform to a very complicated schedules. And make great friendships.
But it's so weird, because, even when the Japan trip was ending and everyone was crying their eyes out (which I did later also), I was comforted by the thought that we hadn't lost touch, that we would see each other again. And that's the same here.
It's weird because no one ELSE seems to be crying. Sure, when I left school my fellow watchmates were already planning the package that we would send to our instructor, and everyone was comparing experiences and photos, but no one else cried. Everyone felt sad, only I cried. Almost cried on the third night. Cried during the farewell speech on the fifth day. Cried while we were walking to the jetty. Cried on the ferry. Cried in school again when I was calling my dad to pick me up. Cried at home when my mom was going over my stuff. It's really very embarrassing, becausen you can't explain why you're crying; you're going to see all your watchmates again every single day, surely you can't miss the OBS environment/compound/people that much as to get this worked up?
Sheesh. And Sarah thinks it's all so ridiculous; haha, the only time SHE came close to crying was when saying goodbye reminded her of JAPAN.
Anyhow, I've got loads of souvenirs and a crumpled certificate and a group photo *now I kinda wished I had ordered two :b*, and OBS is a gorgeous memory. I'm rather sure I might come back in JC, even if it kills me *this one nearly did*. I might just sign up for the 15-day course.
Somehow, when I was there, I was really amazed and just a little bit envious of the life the instructors lead. Simple and healthy, basically. But fun, really fun and happy because they're all really close so it's like a second family and home. And I really learnt a lot of stuff, honestly, our instructor, with just a bit of training, could probably become a really good counsellor etc. His 'discussions' are amazing, the content is miles better than the CLE or whatever lessons we have in school *with set syllabus ewww and VERY text-book q and as*, you really find yourself going 'oh yes, I so agree' during the discussions, and his observations about the watch and the way we all interact really come back to you.
I don't know if all the instructors are like that, or are trained to do that, because OBS is after all, partially a team-building experience. We only had one instructor. Still, this is the first time, well not the first, I have had a few rare ones before, that I encounter a 'reflection/debrief' session that I really enjoy, and towards the end *when I finally realised the value of these discussions*, I kind of wished they would go on longer so you could learn more stuff. Time constraints are sad.
I really love OBS I suppose, although you might not think it when you're in the middle of a torturous ten-kilometre walk with a thirty kg backpack upon your back. Basically, as they say, it all boils down to challenging yourself. You could choose to be very disagreeable if you wanted; sit down in the middle of the road and force the entire group to stop and wait for you, refuse to cooperate when cleaning up, sit in a corner while the rest plan and then do your own stuff, NOT cheer for the others. In the end, the happiness and success of the group is a result of every single person's efforts, and OBS is the place to learn this, slightly painful but very important lesson with far-reaching applications. :DDDD
Jan 12, Monday
Sometimes I act like I've been walking with a paper bag on my head for the past eleven years, such that I'm so caught up in the darkness and anonymity, I'm able to disregard the feelings etc. of other people, since I can't see their expressions and I'm spared their glares of death anyway. As I result I can seriously offend people, and often a couple of bystanders are there to remind me afterwards of my appalling behaviour, or I myself reflect on what just happened *and the violent/ abnormal actions of whoever it was I (unconsciously. really!) insulted, although seriously at that time I am thinking: why are you so worked up? How petty/touchy/pathetic* and start cringing in embarrassment and remorse. But seriously, then my conscience wakes up and starts hounding me (and my conscious is a very good hounder) and I have to justify myself somewhere. So I do it in my blog or something, since insulted people usually read my blog anyway. Granted, I will look back in two days (or a half) and wonder what all the fuss was about to require such an apology, explanation, large amound of my time etc. etc. but since I don't want to go through life tip-toeing on a path of buried mines etc. it kinda makes sense after a while. Though as one of my friends (japan) kind of said, I worry to much (I'm still not sure about the truth of that statement though), and maybe people aren't as inclined to hold grudges and BROOD as I imagine :D. Of course, that time the statement was made it was about a fizzled-out camera but the situations are the same. About.
It's kind of funny I suppose, well I think it'll make people laugh. How I can be so overwhelmingly bossy and rude and insulting and all around idiot one minute and then be full-on repentant the next. Whatever, but I honestly *well most of the time* remember these incidences and it stops me from hurting feelings etc. the next time. (Sorry xin hui for nearly taking your eye out with my pencil once...:D). Although these situations have taken place less and less often since I entered sec. school and grasped the key concepts of social engineering, it doesn't change the way I treated my relatives, basically because they've always tolerated me *thanks*, and it's kind of hard to change your nature overnight, so I suppose my bullying is redoubled since I don't do it at school. OKAY, but at school, that's natural, I honestly don't want to throw my weight around or whatever. Yuck. So despite how nice a person I am at school *nice - relatively*, years of such treatment haven't changed their impression of me, and honestly, I can't be bothered to do that either. Although sometimes it's one straw too many and it breaks their back so the situation explodes out of control. And I'm seriously blind, btw, I can't spot danger signs, I just think *oh they're joking* or this is just a prank. So maybe I'm worrying too much, but I have to get stuff of my chest somewhere, and besides, it'll make for fun reading later on. Scratch that, I'ld most likely be digging a hole to Peru at the thought of how I POSSIBLY could have put all of this online bla bla although no one actually KNOWS what it all means but it's still all SO embarrassing and ridiculous. Sheesh. But then I'm a very public and open person *to the extent that she often doesn't know when to stop *I SUPPOSE*. You knew that didn't you? ARGHH. Xb
Oh, and since self censorship commands such vague terms and actually *I've been reading past entries for lack of a better thing to do and found myself wondering what the matter at hand was for a few of them where I skated the issue*, I'll probably look back again in half a year and go *what was that all about???*. vateva
Jan 1, Thursday
Happy new year everybody!!!!
And nope, I don't have any new year resolutions. Because
a) The list is too lengthy to list out
b) I don't really know what I want
c) Some aspirations are impossible, or I'm not sure if I can make them
d) They're probably a waste of time *humbuggy ^^UUU*
But I do have just one thing to say.
Raises glass: This year is to getting what I want :DDDD.
Which pretty much covers about everything.
Anyway, I didn't log on just to bore you with my ranting. I logged on to also say...the more I think about it, the more attractive getting a livejournal account gets.
Seriously!!!
Despite my reasoning in previous blog entry, I honestly think I would shift. I mean, why not?
Livejournal even allows you to refer back to entries with links. *ish*.
And in my present I-honestly-don't-care-about-layouts-only-content mood, I only want to be able to post pictures and everything else to make my blogging more interesting.
True, I will miss pitas, not to mention the horrible hassle of linking all my archives etc.
But livejournal would more than make up for all this.
And no, I'm not just hopping on the bandwagon *if any*.
I do, however, have a solution to all this. *though, knowing me, it's not actually one*. Which is to get hosted as soon as possible so I can use movable type or whatever and do the exact same thing, except cooler :b.
Anyhow...going on livejournal will probably result in me blogging more, and you do want to see me blog more, don't you? Don't you? Xbbbb.
Dec 31, Wednesday
My blog is dead dead dead. Not.
Actually I realised something. If you get to not blogging for a long time, people get to thinking that your blog is dead, and they stop checking. But more importantly, the dead bit. So I'm going to post a message here: My blog is not dead until I say so. It has to be official you know, and I very responsibly will make sure it doesn't go without an update beyond the span of three weeks, after which if I still ignore it, it should then be presumed dead.
Shifting topic...
Lately, I have been tempted to switch to livejournal. It really is kinda cool, plain, no frills, blogging entries environment, a nifty comments device, cute mood icons etc. etc. And the account allows you to post on other peoples live journals with an avatar PLUS a lot of other functions while you're typing, like censoring spoilers etc. to deliver the ultimate blogging experience. On the whole, a very good idea with no flaws whatsoever
Then, I realised what had made me adore pitas so much in the first place. The freedom to design layouts *although, to be honest, that's not something I'm too hot on right now*. Livejournal is for fanficcy, love-writingy, literary people, who only want to devote themselves to expressing their thoughts, and don't want to bother about having them look nice, only clean and neat. Pitas is for people who not only like to blog, but love to personalise everything, who want to have a spot on the web that not just looks like their own but feels like their own and is their own. It's like a site, only two-dimensional and more easily handled.
So I suppose, no matter how attractive livejournal is, I'll be sticking with pitas for a while, until I finally decide to get my tablet moving and design a new layout, after which and some careful consideration, I might ask to be hosted. :D Go pitas!
Dec 28, Sunday
I've something to say, so I'm blogging. :) My blog entries are getting fewer and far between, but you can't say I blog for no reason anymore.
Sigh, christmas' over, but it feels like it's never been here.
Anyhow, I wanted to talk about CAP.
Somehow, I don't care about writing well anymore. I just care about writing well enough to get into CAP. CAP is presently my judge of my writing standards. I think it's rather important to me, and despite all the encouragement and postive feedback from my friends, I won't be satisfied with my writing until I get in. Which is now or never.
Sometimes, maybe...I feel it *might* have been a good thing that I got rejected. I mean, if I hadn't been rejected, I'ld still believe quite firmly that my writing well and truly passes the mark. Except, maybe, if I was then rejected by the branch people.
Although of course, there's always this seed of *what-ifs*. What if I had been allowed to pass the first door, to the second? Which is why if I'm not allowed to do that this time, I will fully talk to the teacher and give her all the opinions I've been keeping myself, esp. how it was very hard for me to take the pencil comments on my work seriously when the teacher who commented didn't even take the trouble to see me face-to-face and to clear any misunderstandings etc. I recall how *yuan wang*ed I felt. I even wrote something to go along with the whole thing *the train thing, which some of you have read*. Surprisingly, it sounded rather nice when I read it several months later, or at least quite true to the heart. Sadly, I can never drum up that emotion again, and worse, that piece was lost when my computer crashed. *Which totally wasn't my fault. It was my fathers. ackk.*
Anyhow, after the CAP fiasco, I don't think I'ld even aim for mentorship. But possibly, with my rubberball ego, I will drum up that courage if my portfolio is accepted.
Actually I feel rather weird to be talking about all this. Because I super-stitiously feel that if you say something out, it won't come true. Also, the wish to get into CAP sounds rather small and insignificant besides the other great and grand things you might wish for.
Still, I know I'll feel oh-so-much better if I did.
I didn't care about AEP, but writing is something I need confirmation on. There. :)
19 Dec, Monday
Lalalala: I'm updating my blog again after a looong absence broken only by whines, complaints and assorted other negative comments.
To those who don't already know, I passed my piano exam. Like seriously. COOL. And on schedule too, since I started grade 1 in P1 or something, so sec 2, grade 8 is just fine. *I never skipped grades; I supposed I wouldn't have been able to manage*. I wonder if I've blogged about this already; but nevermind.
I rmb mentally promising that I would totally post my examiner's name on my blog if he so kindly let me pass. I rmb feeling so sorry for him; he asked me the easiest questions in the sections of the examination that were for him to dictate; he gave me an andante piece for sight reading; and he played a contemporary piece for aural for goodness sake. (who cannot identify a contemporary piece???) He breezed through my entire disastrous examination in like, less than 30 minutes (when I emerged from the room my mom was all 'so fast???'). Evidently, he was all for letting me pass; giving me these chances to salvage the situation. I'm not sure if I actually grasped them, but I sure did get the well-meant kindness behind them.
So I promised that if his niceness extended to his allowing me to pass, however little I deserved it; I would plaster his name all over my blog (I just hope no one except my friends stumble across this. It is sort of embarrassing). SO here it is:
THANK YOU MR. MICHAEL JOHNSON!!!!!!!!!
For TOTALLY letting me pass; for removing the burden that's been on my mind SINCE P1, for making me so happy I was walking on the moon for days after. YAY.
Now that's done, another random note.
I am having so much problem with CAP portfolio. I can't be bothered to write anything actually, I feel like I don't care to submit one since
a)it'll probably not be sent to GEP branch
b)it won't do me justice
c)it might be rejected
d)or ALL OF THE ABOVE (if that is possible)
Encouragement is very much needed and will be very much appreciated. And not random stuff like 'you definitely can either', but maybe some help in ideas and succint, constructive criticism? thanks.
And another random note: sometimes I shudder while re-reading my blog; I typed really quickly and there are abominable spelling errors that sound even worse when read aloud. Don't ever think they are deliberate or a result of anything more than a mere oversight in my haste.
Last random note: I pay attention to speeches *when comfortably seated anyway*, I listen in debates, but somehow, it's weird that I never find as many things to disagree with than other people. Often I sit there and totally conform to the speaker's opnions; I don't ever sit up and think 'Hey, that's totally wrong', and start listing down what I think is amiss in the speeches. In fact, often the only things that get me are grammar mistakes and pronunciation errors. Although occasionally, in topics which I am familiar with, I am able to nitpick on the accuracy of the speech's content.
Reading assorted blogs, I find it astonishing that others can find so much fault with something I'ld never even thought about. And I'm not happy about it either. *actually what I'm typing is starting to sound ridiculously trivial, and I don't even know where I'm going*. I just wanted to say I have no idea how I am going to form rebuttals in debate if I'm so gullible and easily molded to other people's opinions. SO, I'll have to turn up well-prepared each time so I can attack the opponent's statements with a veritable wealth of information and conviction. That's all I suppose. Weird.
P.S. I KNOW a blog layout has been loooong overdue, this is supposed to be temp. But I reaally can't be bothered right now; I have zilch ideas, or none that I'm remotely interested in, a whole lot of other things to do, and no interest. So I suppose it'll have to wait. For a couple of *mumbles something cliché* megaparsecs or so.
Dec 9, Tuesday
I was cleaning out the space under my desk today, performing the much procrastinated chore of tidying my sec 2 files.
Nothing much to say, except I felt once again that stab of fierce anger which had faded off in the month after I had discovered my maths file missing, before school had let out.
Why? Because I found, unfiled, neatly set aside with paper tabs as dividers, the pitiful topics that are left to me, motion geometry and the like, as well as the earlier ones, bound with string. As I cast around for that familiar hulking yellow shape that should house these, I remembered what had become of them.
I don't know whether it's very childish to say that I will NOT, and never forgive the people who took my file. I really suppose it is. After all, the world is so big, and there really are a thousand better things to do than bear a grudge against so petty a thing as some intellectual property. And not really intellectual property of great value, seeing as my maths is not superb. In fact, it was actually the state of more-or-less complete organisation that was pre-emptive for it's being borrowed.
And as anyone who knows me will say, I, as a rule, am a very forgiving and tolerant person. I wouldn't even care if you chucked curses at me in the street, or called me names, or took my things. I go by the mantra, forgive if not forget. I don't mind forgiving. Forgetting is another thing though, but that's another story.
Except, I am so irritated. I mean, for goodness sakes, the culprits never even seemed in the least bit sorry or repentant. The whole thing might just have passed beneath the worlds' notice - if not for my decision to do a bit of investigating and the information of a few friends. *don't ask me why I italacised that, ingratitude or whatever*. I suppose it doesn't really matter to them, after all, they had got their photocopies, and their miserable points upon twenty, or was it ten, for file check.
It doesn't matter that the owner of the file, who was bereft or her property without replacement, without consent, and almost, but not quitewithout her knowledge doesn't have anything to study for for her exams, which were, as fate's hand had dealt it, in a week.
I'm not even beginning to blame my dear teacher for her disinterest in this matter. Since she proffered to 'speak to (the culprits(???)) a handful of times, and she is more than double my age, and I have been taught to respect my elders and couldn't possibly, even now, start hurling abuse, I couldn't say anything on this matter. Except I don't think her promised help ever materialised, or if they did they were unsuccessful (this is not the grossest understatement of the year).
I suppose I should have photocopied a friends. Only, of course, I, with my usual optimistic heart, my usual benign kindness, my usual hoping-against-hope disposition, was waiting for the file to show up at the very last second so I might begin my revision, all the while thanking my lucky (!) stars that the file borrowed or lost as you may have it didn't belong to the notes-happy subjects of history, geog or whatever.
I suppose I might have complained to the authorities *if comments offered on this incident and my short stint in rgs has been any clue to you, I'm beginning to develop a 'healthy' mistrust for authority that I never and I mean never ever even had*, but in such an institution as rgs, if the routine morning announcements clearly show, the problem of missing property, monetary, intellectual, sentimental or otherwise, is piffle, absolutely insignificant, compared to other more life-threatening issues, such as slipping off seats at our canteen tables which could, no seriously, cause you to sprain an ankle and then miss school for a couple of weeks before coming back to find your desk vandalised and emptied. What they hey. The administration has way more important matters on its mind. It doesn't have time to go after petty thieves. Not to really use that word, but you get the general items-gone-missing idea.
I don't even know why I'm bringing all this up. After all, I've let the matter lie for more than a month haven't I? I haven't marched down on a warpath to complain anywhere have I? I've stopped my mother from going to the teachers and principal haven't I? I've talked the matter over oh-so-calmly with the 'people behind all this fuss and bother' haven't I? And now school has been out for eons, and the year's almost ending, and here I am writing about how unhappy I am about the fact that my file was taken without my knowledge and consent and then consequently lost also without my knowledge and consent and not once did I hear a sincere apology from the people who borrowed it and who obviously think that not a single one of them are at fault and that they are safe forever because I could never snitch on them to a teacher because that would be breaking the sisterhood of these corrupted and bleghed school's code of honor thus allowing them to gallivant away scot-free without a worry on their mind while I sit here typing this and trying to forgive and forget before I return to my blasted filing which is now strewn all over my bedroom floor because of one single lousy piece of humanity that just happened to skip across my unfortunate path through life. Well, I can't speak for my future self, but presently, I can say that I haven't actually forgiven nor forgetten (so definitely not the latter) but I would probably readily do both if the file was ever returned from your hands, and I mean yours and not some other person who stumbled across it and decided to return it to the person whose NAME and CLASS was plastered all over the front. But possibly, far off in the sunshine where twinkles the distant future, when I am rich and famous and old and am writing my memooirs, I will slip in a footnote about how a long time ago my file was borrowed by a handful of ne'er do goods *okay that's a bit harsh but what they hey* and I haven't, nope, haven't forgotten about it even now so all my fans, please help me go get them.
If the few people are reading this, I couldn't actually care less, because since I didn't get to set off a cataclysmic explosion in school for the sake of all your divine appearances I should at least get to vent my gall here, in my own blog.
Of course, the thingy about my never forgiving is quite unlikely seeing as I am, really, a very forgiving person.
And I guess I shall now return to my (SIGH) filing. IN relative peace and quiet, because it seriously isn't worth it to be bothered about people lacking decency.
Whatever.
I am like this about caring.
Nov 26, Wed
I'm finally updating my blog after a really long pause. Sorry bloggie, didn't abandon you *pats blog*. Actually I did sort of try to update, only cyberspace ate up my blog entry, a really long and proper one too, after I tried to type some french letter. The frustration kept me from trying again for a while. 2 days.
My holidays are busy. At least I've been trying to keep busy, sort of. I have mood swings, and feel exhilarated. I have no one to talk to, have had for like my whole life ^^U. I do not feel like a layout. I have problems going to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night to jot down inspiration so I might have something to fill my lousy CAP portfolio with next year. I blame CAP for the disquiet in my life. I am never at a moment's peace. I have to keep searching for material, decent material. I am starting to have serious doubts about my writing ability. I think I imagined it all. I think it has died within me. I get angry at myself and other people for this. I will not rest till I get into CAP or if I don't, when I have forgotten it all. I am seriously ranting here. But then it's all so frustrating.
Did I say I felt happy? I feel gloomy now. But then I also said I encounter serious mood swings. There are so many things I want to say, but saying them on my blog won't make me feel better, so I don't know why I bother.
In fact, I'm logging off right now.
Goodbye.
5 Nov, Wednesday
I have to go and shower soon, but just before that, I'ld just like to jot down a little note in my blog.
Was just thinking, maybe I want to expand my blog a little. Rather than just write about my thoughts and ideas etc. etc., I would like to include photos and pictures of what I've seen, or graphics I've designed and all that. So my blog will have to have a few more pages to it, or even be expanded to a site.
I wonder if I'll have time to keep it up. But before that...
I'll probably need to get hosted. Which is a really big step for me, especially, because it's not an easy thing to do. Anyhow, I need it because I'll need the web space to upload photos and graphics. Yeah.
And I don't want just any host, there's always been this domain that I've totally admired, and if I could be hosted, I'ld want to be hosted THERE. So I guess I'll have to write to the person and ask. Which means I'll need to get up a beautiful layout, and be ready for committment. eep.
And it's freaky because these people all reside in the north american continent, whilst I'm in Asia, and it's like making friendships from halfway across the planet, ONLINE. Scary. Yeahh, so I need to give it somemore thought I guess. I wonder if I'm ready to spend all that time on layout etc.
PLUS they all use movable type. Which is sort of like greymatter, only I've never used any of these programs before. But then, nothing has ever been easy. Amanda made her transition smoothly, like a whole lot of other people.
Anyhow, pitas has been great. It's just a pipe dream for now. ^~
Oct 31, Friday
Leaving for Bintan tomorrow. Although it is a VERY short holiday, its untimely timing: right when the holidays start, means that I am unable to complete many things which I should have before school ended. Here's a list:
- Confirm all the activities I signed up for
- Complete my TWO articles *which yes, I still haven't done*
- FIND or PHOTOCOPY a maths file *I am planning to borrow from someone, just a heads-up for everyone. I reaaaally appreciate it if you'll lend me when I ask you :DDDDD*
- Confirm all my results. *I think I still have to inform li lao shi about my slightly-altered maths marks.
- Pay school fees for tuition.
I think that's about all, not to mention all the classes, cartoon shows, birthday celebrations *twinnies*, movie marathons and project work dates I will be missing. Sigh.
On a brighter note, I look forward to revisiting Bintan, where I will get to *if the heavens are kind - people who sort of know astronomy or have some commonsense should be able to spot the pun* see many many many beatiful stars and THIS TIME identify the constellations and hopefully catch a few shooting stars. I also look forward to sketching and drawing; I will bring along my colour pencil sets. *My watercolour crayons are AWOL since I forgot when* I think I'll take some pictures also, and have loads of fun exploring the island. I wonder if 3 days *or less* is even enough for what I plan to do.
When I come back, I'll be refreshed to tackle a brand new holiday. I highly doubt I'll be leaving S'pore after this short trip for the rest of the year.
Anyhow, bon voyage to me and whoopee!
PS/ The above list of undone things is also sort of a list of reminders to the various people who know me and read my blog in time *yeah right* to inform the respective people should they inquire where I am or where is the stuff that is due during my short absence. Thanks in advance!
Oct 22, Wednesday
Okay, I'm sleeping late tonight. I don't care. I have to do stuff. Sort of. You'ld think that now that exams are over I'ld get a day off, but no way. I have 2 articles to write - for spiral and tribune, and I have RESEARCH to do for both of them. (Who said that Tribune, or even writing articles was an easy thing to do? You have to do both CONTENT and LAYOUT. And content requires research and fine-tuning, layout requires *making your own graphics on photoshop* and picking out PHOTOS. So yeah.)On top of that, here's what I'm going to do tonight: Try to finish my S and D reflections to hand in the file tomorrow, and 2 pieces to put in some portfolio in case I decide I want to submit it for the Miss Chia workshop thing. Very unlikely, but just in case.
Exams are finally over, and we have had our results back. UM, I don't really have much to say, except that I'm sure I studied, which is reflected in my geog and history marks *which are subjects where you really study for*, even if I sort of screwed up everything. Remember how I told you I wanted to score REALLY high in science to make up for my dismal performance at the beginning of the year? Well, I didn't really score VERY high, but if you put your mind to something, as I always do to science, you still do okay, so I'll get an A1 if they round up, which can't be that bad.
I decided that I don't really care about my marks anymore, as in, not whether they're good or bad, but about people knowing them. Because if other people can post about really lousy marks on their blogs without making a big fuss about them, I certainly can. *edited >:)*
Maths, okay, I probably could have done better. I will brainwash myself to think that I can do well in Maths, because anyone with a certain level of intelligence should be able to do so, even if you're not particularly gifted in that area. I will put my mind to it, and really do it properly next year. I will be proud of my Maths marks.
Then there's Lit. for which I can't actually pin-point what went wrong. I was pretty sure I did okay for the two essays, but the teachers think that I didn't answer or link back to the question on both counts, so whatever. As for passage-based, well, it wasn't like I formed an instant connection with either passages so I couldn't spill out brilliant answers. Problem is I got through lit last year by having the answers come naturally, and expected that to happen this year, but it didn't, apparantly. Even if I had done well, I still wouldn't have taken the subject for RP. Lit is something you can do on your own *even if in a non-exam style* and something which time will breed passion for. Besides, I'ld rather spend my time LEARNING geog and history.
Anyhow, right now I'm trying to come up with a second piece for my *portfolio*. I can't really be bothered actually. I feel like a well run dry. I canNOT write anything anymore, or it comes out mechanical and stuff. I don't even know what's the definition of good writing anymore. Okay, something along the lines of: originality, truthfulness of feeling, personal style etc.
How difficult can that be?
Way difficult it seems.
Oh WELL. I don't really care. I just believe that maybe, if I lose the spark now, it'll come back to me sometime in the future, brighter than before. You probably can find almost everything you lose. Almost: digicam, maths file etc. etc.
Okay gtg now, because I don't want to be sleeping at 1.
Sep 13, Saturday
The hols have flowwn by
I didn't do exactly nothing, but close enough. I'm not even supposed to be blogging.
Didn't feel like it really.
And see? I'm not even coherent.
I was going to type this long essay on how lantern-carrying contributes to the destruction of our environment, but I really don't have time.
It's just that all the time on thur when I was celebrating lantern festival with my cousins, *or they were practicing being future-arsonists*, my sister kept going: you went on that environmental trip righht? And then reciting everything she knows about burning producing CO2 and other greenhouse gases leading to global warming etc. etc.
And then there was this really good point/ link which I forgot.
Maybe something about all the packaging of the lanterns and candles instigating a primal instinct to set them on fire, leading again, to the Greenhouse effect. cool.
Isn't this all so wuliao???
People should learn that while our actions, as a whole, do lead to environmental problems. I'm glad that everyone has started noticing that. People around me at least. And did that stop them from their quest of achieving a flaming inferno out of a few matchboxes and paper lanterns? It did. They only burnt one lantern, candles and a few fingers. It's a start.
K, I've been stupid enough.
What I really wanted to say was how sorry I am that I lost all those WELCOME BACK and WE MISS YOU messages in my tagbox. I should have saved them before they went away. Oh well. I can recall them in my memory though.
And thanks so much you guys!!!
^^V
le 6 septêmbre
I feel so sad. Haha, no reason, weird. I'm alone at home, on a sat afternoon, no one I can talk to is online, and I'm listening to a CD. I feel quite lonely.
I would never have admitted that a couple of years ago, nor did I ever actually recognise that feeling.
Oh well.
We presented our VTTF thing to the school yesterday. It blew everyone away. And all the hard work and staying-after-school was worth it. Totally.
When we first presented to the Sec 3s in the morning, I was too excited to feel anything. It went okay, and the Sec 3s 'ooohed' and 'aaahed' at all the right parts; it was so gratifying. There was just one hitch, as we were told later; that they couldn't hear us too clear at the back. Anyway, we did it again for the Sec 2s *most notably my classmates and every who knows me* and that was cool. NO ONE went to sleep, esp. Felicia, for whom Assembly Time is Nap time. That's 'cause it was SUPER INTERESTING and captured all their total attentions. Even Mr Lester Brown failed to bore them; haha. But seriously, he's supposed to be a very famous environmentalist. Pity we didn't get his auto-graph. His sneakers and bow tie were amusing though.
I kept asking if people cried, esp. during the first part, which very well drives me to tears EVERYTIME I watch it. The music is so inspiring and heart-lifting, I see everyone's beautiful reactions and it brings back an overwhelming wave of memories. That's why it's THE INTRO, because it blows people away. It moves people. Well, it turns out there were two people who did, Bernice and Wan Fen. Bernice said she cried during Minamata, and Wan Fen, not too sure, but maybe there too. And they actually noticed the tear falling from Miree's eyes, during that beautiful shot in the Minamata museum. And they noticed all the pics in the reflections, like us 'flying' in the typhoon's winds. AND THIS PART, this part that was SUPER-NICE, they loved ALL the group photos. I mean, Ms Tan kept telling us how these photos, while they may mean A LOT to us (which they totally do), may not mean anything to our audience, but the shots of SO MANY people smiling, so happily and so warmly really drove home the message of how close a family we had become, and definitely how much the trip touched our hearts. Someone came up to me, Bernice I'm sure, and said: "Now I understand why you were so sad to leave". I'm so glad we included those pictures. They didn't know the people, but at the end of the presentation, I think it felt like they had almost met them. They weren't just 'faces' anymore. I KNOW it didn't. After the presentation, people asked me who this and who that was, their names, and one guy asked us to send his regards to Azlan, who was featured so much. ^^. I just wish we could have included the WoodBlock Video. They might have been sobbing after that. I know I probably would have. However, Ms Tan's was almost as good, especially when she blended the songs, and included all those photos. Haha, everyone was truly shocked by Sarah's stitches.
Oh, I forgot. 'Shimanchu nu Takara' blew them away as much as it did us in Japan. They made an effort to look at the tiny lyrics on screen, and agreed that the song was truly meaningful and unique. Jin Rou, who had heard it one, the 'full version', in the library when we were doing preperation, even remembered it and recalled it to me later. She said it was really nice, everyone did, and I think we all want to listen to it again.
I wouldn't mind presenting a gazillion times. I'm so glad we still have the sec 1s to go, and possibly, Commonwealth. I actually felt nervous before the Sec 2s one. We all were.
Finally, I really hope this presentation touched all of your hearts, and drove home the importance of conservation. I hope that possibly, after seeing what we had gone through, and what we had learnt, you might have learnt something too, and you might begin to care and feel for this earth, and be able to participate in saving it. It was said so many times, that this is OUR earth, OUR home, the ONLY HOME WE HAVE, the only place in the whole solar system and possibly the universe that we could ever live in. And we MUST keep it as it is for the future generations to enjoy and protect.
I quite forgot all I wanted to say. Everyone watched it and wished they could go, but it's not only the fun parts that are important, but the meaning behind it. Everything helped me develop as a person, and our journeys have only begun.
le 31 aout
So I archived 'apple' in a fit of brashness. I wasn't supposed to till I had my new layout up. But I did it anyway. Because I want to blog, and I don't believe that I should quell my blogging for technical reasons!!! I'll wipe this layout for something temp.
This will probably be the first entry in the new layout, so I'll have to start from the beginning.
Oh, I returned from Japan into, haha, to quote my friends 'the abyss of homework and tests'. And it was hard for a couple of days. I'm so glad I went. Any amount of pressure upon my return is worth it. It is beyond my ability to describe, I experienced so much, and learnt so much, and felt so much! It was such a liberating experience! Everything contributed to it. The lessons, the scenery and most of all, the people I met there. The trip showed me that there was more to life than just school and homework, something I had always known but never realised. All I want now is for myself to gather enough self-control and ability to keep my grades up to scratch, then devote the rest of my time to pursuing my interests and ambitions, so that when I get out of this flour mill of a school, I know I'ld have done something worthwhile.
It's not everyone who gets such an oppurtunity. I feel so lucky that I did. I wonder why, and I wonder how. It's so flat just to say it was 'fate'. I hope I deserve it, and live to deserve it. Haha, I'm probably 'getting in too deep' as someone would say.
This was my first step beyond my home, beyond Singapore. I wonder if this would be one of those life-changing experiences; I know it will always be a beautiful memory, or a living one. I will strive to keep those lessons alive, and I won't let those friendships die. Haha, I'm making it sound so cliché and stuff. But it seemed like, for three short weeks, I was able to experience life, not as a student with homework, tests and responsibility, but as someone with a greater sense of purpose, and a greater ability to see the world in a different light, as it is, populated by many different people, subject to so many problems that we are responsible for.
I don't know if it's wrong to say this, but while it was supposed to be an environmental trip, it was the social aspect of it that has touched me most.
Maybe because I am developing more socially than intellectually now. For years I have probably buried myself in books *to not much effect, but anyway*, and all the problems we encountered, I have always been semi-aware of them, through books or documentaries and classroom learning. But these people, and these ways of life are new to me; and they were novel and amazing. Like, to own your own drum set and belong to a band; or to have lived in places like NY, Moscow and Tokyo for 3 years apiece before you're even 16? Others have friends who all come to S'pore to study on scholarships, or speak 3 different languages back home. These are the lives of people my age, from different backgrounds and cultures, and I really treasured this chance I got to meet them and now to have their friendship. The NHK staff we met on the trip were so kind and warm, it was hospitality beyond professionalism. I also bonded with my S'porean friends closer.
I think what Sarah said in her blog was so true, that I never had the right answer to the question of the most amazing, the best experience of my life. But now, though, I can say that it was this, that will probably remain for along time, that has probably made me a better *if even a little bit* person.
/PS. This is so such a passing reflection, is it flippant to say I think it is flippant now? It won't be when I read it months later. I wonder if I'll ever run dry; I have so much to say. Long live Voyage to the Future!